"Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es"  A. Brillat-Savarin, 1755-1826

REVIEWER:  Robert Cardarelli
RESTAURANT:  Felix's Restaurant and Oyster Bar, 739 Iberville Road, New Orleans
WHEN:  December 2000

My friends and I decided to spend a weekend in New Orleans.

We woke up one beautiful morning with a strong case of "complete starvation" (a night of extensive drinking and partying tends to do that). Being out-of-towners, we wanted to try some of the fine Cajun cuisine that everyone is always talking about. So, we all decided to head straight out for Bourbon Street (we were only there a couple of hours ago living up the Mardi Gras traditions) with the hopes of finding the perfect place to eat - the most food you can get for the cheapest price. We helplessly searched and searched and yet found nothing appealing.  Everything was either closed or way too expensive, except for a place called Felix's Restaurant and Oyster Bar.

Actually, we previously walked past this restaurant and hoped that we would never in our lifetime wind up in there. We were running out of alternatives and we were four hungry, hung-over men!

So we bravely entered..

Luckily, we found a table right away (trust me, it wasn't that hard).  Let me also mention that the table was filthy, but it was the cleanest one we could find. The second we sat at the table, we were presented the menus and a basket of bread. As starved as we were, we dug into the breadbasket and realized that we had just made one of the biggest mistakes of our lives.  It couldn't have been bread; it looked like bread, it smelled like bread, BUT it tasted like rock.  Seriously, I think one of my companions chipped a tooth. Thank God there were some crackers (pre-wrapped) for us to devour.

A half hour went by, and so did the waitress. That is, she past our table about 20 times without even acknowledging us.  Finally we caught her attention!!! "STOP!!! We are not invisible", screamed one of the guys.

So she approached us.

Before we even had the chance to say a single word, she yelled at us, "We got specials". All right, so what are they. "Y'all going to get the sampler, its good and the cook's been working on it all morn-in".  We thought to ourselves, "wait a minute, is she ordering for us"! Since it was already 11:00am and the cook must have been working on it for 5 hours - it must be decent. Additionally, we were petrified to instruct the waitress to give us a couple more minutes, since it may take another half hour and then breakfast will become lunch.

 We hastily started to make our orders.

"We would like to start with the garlic bread", said one of us. The waitress replied, "why y'all want the garlic bread, there is already bread on the table. I think you should just eat that bread".  I think she was referring to those bread-like chunks of granite on the table. Then, my friend ordered the lemonade and the waitress replied, "Are you sure you want that?" My friend asked  "What do you mean?" and received this answer: "Well, I have been working here for about 10 years and I have never served that before."

NOW WE ARE STARTING TO GET SCARED.

Afraid to say anything else to the waitress, I took my chances and ordered the sampler (let me say, everyone else was wise enough to order a plain ham and cheese sandwich). I silently thought, "The sampler is the special of the day and the cook worked on all morning - it should be served rather quickly".  Boy, was I WRONG!!! Not one, but two hours went by before we were finally served.

Yes, we finally got the goods!!! After all that waiting!!! Mission accomplished!!!

As I looked at the plate presented before me, the only words that came to mind were, "That's disgusting" (RS, 1999).  I had no choice but to eat!  So daringly, I dug in for my first bite.  Since I never had Cajun food before, I had no previous warnings to the spice intensity. My three friends examined my face as it went from white, to red, finally to blue (use your imagination and think of the Looney Tunes when fire came out of their mouths). After letting out a scream, I lost a pound of sweat and tears.  Suddenly, I lost my appetite and lost my hang over.

 I'M CURED!!!

 In case you are wondering about the lemonade, it appeared to be lemon favored Crystal Light.

Using the Likert scale, I award these ratings (with 1 being the worst/least and 5 is the best/most):

Felix's has a website, so please feel free to investigate the menu and see a few appetizing pictures at:  http://www.felixs.com/menu.htm .

REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
WHERE: Hotel Loftleidir (Hotel Air Ways), Dinner Buffet
WHERE: Reykjavíkurflugvöllur, IS-101
WHEN: December 28, 2000 (The Icelandic Sportsperson of the Year Review)
WHAT HE WROTE:  Although this was indeed a function, the menu remains true to each day, thus it may be useful to the traveling clubsperson.  Hotel Loftleidir is owned by IcelandAir and sits by the old Reykjavik airport close to the city center. The buffet, which usually costs about $40 per head, is excellent in a rich selection.  Meats and fish cover the table in a wide array of tastes.  Specialities such as Smoked Lamb and Salmon are not to be missed.  Potatoes and the traditional vegetables were the choices as this country relies on the solid V's.  The desserts were a little on the slim pickings, as Iceland is not reknowned for its delicate cuisine.  Wine and alcoholic beverages were extra in price, on a usual night and can hitch the price of the meal up considerably. One starter dish I recommend skipping is the soured herring that has an aroma of week old dish water --- in fact the Icelanders typically down a shot of spirits before swallowing the fish to numb the taste buds.

As a matter of interest Vala Flosadottir, of the IR Athletics Club, won the award.  She is the first ever Icelandic woman to win an Olympic medal --- the bronze medal in the pole vault at Sydney 2000.  She also owned the indoor world record at one time.

Vala Flosadottir (Iceland),  Stacy Dragila (USA) Tatiana Grigorieva (Australia)

Eve Kaplan: "I like Toby's reviews because he really talks about food." (note: ... meaning, of course, our other food critics seem to overemphasize certain other aspects ...)

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong
RESTAURANT:  Westside Cottage II, 689 9th Avenue (Between 47th and 48th), New York, NY
WHEN:  January 2, 2001
WHAT HE WROTE:  On the day after New Year's Day, some strange delivery person walked through the office, saying "Happy New Year" and leaving menus on people's desks.  Needless to say, the office staff was not amused because of the 'Tuesday' morning blues.  I was therefore delegated the task of taking this restaurant to task.  Why me?  I don't know, but I am sure that they must have some reason to be the best qualified (=the nastiest?).  Did I go to the restaurant?  No.  Why should I?  As I often said, I don't have to go to the restaurant to write a review.  So this is in fact a review of the menu.

1. On the front panel of the menu, they cited three sources of review and quoted from two of them.  So the arithmetic does not add up.  In any case, the three sources were respectively --- Daily News (Friday Extra), November 29, 1991; Daily News, Sunday, September 14, 1986; The Christian Science Monitor, Wednesday, November 9, 1983.  Since only fossil records were cited, I must infer that contemporary reviews of this restaurant are less than glowing.
2. In the 1983 review, the quote was "New York City is overwhelming when it comes to eating out nearly 16,000 places to choose from.  The best is Westside Cottage."  The first sentence is grammatically incorrect and would not have appeared in that publication.  The second sentence refers to a different restaurant since the one listed on the menu has the 'II' suffix.
3. Under dumplings, you can have half a dozen of dumpings (vegetable, shrimp, chicken, pork; fried or steamed) for the same price of $3.95.  But if you want six of any two kinds of dumplings, you have to pay $4.25.  What was that extra 30 cents for?
4. Here are some translation mistakes that I found without really looking for them (yes, this reviewer is a Federal Southern District of New York/Eastern District of New York/District of New Jersey/District of Pennsylvania court-qualified expert witness in Chinese language (including the Mandarin, Cantonese and Shanghainese dialects)):  
   - Lo Mein is tagged with "Spaghetti" in English and "egg noodles" in Chinese.  With due respect, spaghetti is not quite egg noodles.
   - Beancurd with Mushrroms (sp) (note: that is not a Chinese pronunciaton in spite of what you may have heard in those Charlie Chan movies)
   - Steamed Fish in Ginger Sauce is "Steamed Whole Fish in Ginger Sauce" in Chinese, so all non-Chinese-reading diners may be shortchanged of certain fish body parts
   - Fresh Squid dishes in Chinese have the word 'fresh' carefully excised even though it was printed that 'under no circumstances does the chef permit the use of any canned, pre-processed or frozen foods'
   - On the subject of canned foods, there is no way in the world that anyone can get fresh lichees for the Lichees Chicken at this time of the year.  This has to be false advertising.
   - The prawn dishes are actually of two types in Chinese --- whole prawns and chopped prawn balls --- but they are just called prawns in English
   - In one place, it reads Subgum Pan Fried Noodles as if anyone would know what Subgum means in English, but elsewhere they did not say Subgum Sliced Chicken but used Sliced Chicken with Assorted Vegetable (sic) instead.  Obviously, a single vegetable cannot be assorted.

Eve Kaplan said, "How could you pan my favorite Chinese restaurant chain?"  Well, Eve, you can always tell us what you like about them ...

REVIEWER:  Ross Galitsky
WHEN:  December 16, 2000
WHAT: Cream puffs served at the 28th Annual Club Awards Party
WHAT HE SAID:  "Those cream puffs are so GOOOOOD!  I can put twenty at a time in a mouth and they'll just go dooooown ..."

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  December 4, 2000
RESTAURANT: Viva Pancho, 156 West 44th Street, New York City, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  Oh, yeah, two more new employees joining the staff and it's time for us to sample (and destroy) yet another dining establishment this time.  Before leaving, we searched for the restaurant on Google.com, and found only restaurant directories.  Therefore, we can expect this review to appear high on the listing for future searchers, based upon the importance of this website.  So we march down West 44th Street, all ten of us, like Pershing's expeditionary force to sow woe and destruction.

By this time in my erstwhile career, I did not expect to do any more restaurant reviews myself.  I think of my job as simply one to cajole others to do the dirty work.  Having shown them how low the bar can be set, I merely expected the others to be able to go lower.  Unfortunately, I am sad to say that I was unable to get anyone interested in writing this review because no one seemed to feel strongly enough.  Besides, several of them already owe me a lot of reviews about certain other establishments that had grievously offended them.

My review consists of a number of key observations:

• While our party sampled many different items on the menu (tamales, enchiladas, fajitas, etc.), no one had anything terribly good to say.  So it would be fair to say that the offering was not particularly challenging or exciting.  The general stupor could not be attributed to intoxication, as no one had anything stronger than watered-down coke.  (Addendum:  Our Argentinian critic says, "Wait a minute!  You didn't ask me for feedback!  I ordered the guacamole and it was disgusting.  And I love guacamole."  Another party member said, "Yes, I second that.  According to the menu, my order included guacamole.  It was not there when my food was brought out, and I had to ask the waitress for it.  After tasting it, I understood why she had not brought it out at first --- she did not want to see me retch!") 
• Our junior vegetarian scanned the menu and saw that everything was either beef or chicken, and so had to ask the waitress for recommendations on vegetarian fare.  She said, "You can order anything on the menu, and I'll just tell the kitchen to hold the meat."  She was in fact wrong, on account of the next item.
• Of course, everyone was always interested in what I would be ordering.  I said, "Pancho's Cheeseburger, of course.  You know that I would sacrifice a lot to come up with a restaurant review.  How could I not review something as obvious as Pancho's Cheeseburger?"  As it turned out, I was deeply disappointed.  It was a regular-looking cheese burger --- charred minced beef on a sesame-seeded toasted bun.  I failed to see what Pancho had to do with this.  And cheese in a bun would not have been much of a meal without the beef!  Oh, not to forget, the most interesting twist about Pancho's Cheeseburger is that the french fries were substituted by rice and beans.  This is not something that you will see at McDonald's anytime soon.
• In retrospect, the best part of the whole course was the nacho chips beforehand (the left hand side of the table went through two helpings in five minutes), though everybody wished the sauce had been hotter.
• The boss (that is, the person paying the bill) had the final say: "There are too many mirrors in this place!  I don't like mirrors in a restaurant.  Only vain people like to have mirrors so as to admire themselves."  So that was yet another twist of the knife.

Who is Pancho?  This is probably a reference to Pancho Villa.  This particular restaurant is probably not a good place to learn about that Pancho.  I would recommend The Life and Times of Pancho Villa by Friedrich Katz, a 985-page tome that is sure to impress anyone that you want to pick up at Starbucks.

REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
WHEN: November 22, 2000
RESTAURANT:  Coogan's Restaurant, 4015 Broadway (169th Street), New York City, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  Je suis mais un bagel simple mon bon monsieur. Cependant la pensée de I à manger, ou à ne pas manger, était d'être. Well, with all that said and done, there may be other substances as there are venues. With the coming of winter, and the blowing of the north wind, I discovered myself in Coogan's Bar on Broadway. It is most conveniently situated behind the Armory.

Entering the establishment one quickly gets the picture (hic - I was going to say insider ...) of what this eatery is about. We were quickly seated and attended to by a nice attractive waitress (well these things help with the review). The menu seemed a touch bland though typical for a sports bar-plus-diner and the prices looked very reasonable.  I had the Santa Fe burger and the Captain Jack's burger (well, I was reviewing).

The quality of the meat was good, the cheese was ok and the trimmings just fine. The dessert was something with ice cream and fudge brownies coated in cream and chocolate sauce, a smudge on the small size.  Not forgetting the drinks, we drank the house beer which although a tad flat, was pleasant but not a stellar Artois. The value for money was good, the only wince was that kareoke night is on Tuesdays.  Whilst we were treated to some excellent vocals, I did notice my cream turning into guacamole as a few locals took to the stage.

My inquiries led me to find out that the Central Park Track Club does not have a routine of visiting this bar for post-training chomping and natter.  More's the pity, but apparently Warren Street are regulars and report that the host is often more than generous in bringing over a free pitcher or two... I am liking this place more and more! If one becomes bored with the table company, the back room is adorned with pictures from the 5-km race the bar sponsors in the spring. Tobyrating 7.5/10, and (before I shut up) that score will go up if any of those pitchers come my way.

COMMENT #1:  Here is a hint --- if you mentioned to the owner that you were sent by Ellen Wallop (one of the legendary Central Park Track Club multi-sports endurance athletes), you would have gotten a couple more free pitchers ...

COMMENT #2: Du får ingen bagel när du är så dum.

HISTORICAL NOTE:  Toby is evidently not completely and totally familiar with the Central Park Track Club legends.  As our loyal readers such as Audrey Kingsley and Eve Kaplan would have been able to tell you immediately, there is a reason why some of us cannot go to Coogan's (see Famous Saying #754).  By the way, you will find it truly frightening if you learn that when we typed in "Coogan's Restaurant" and "New York City" into the Google search engine, that particular famous saying appeared as the fifth highest ranked result.  Just give it a month for Google to index us and this particular review will show up too.  Yes, we promised you that we would be a superpower ...

REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN:  November 14, 2000
RESTAURANT:  Mom's Bagels, 15 West 45th Street, New York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  "On this rainy day, the group set out ostensibly to the Alpine Deli.  Once we got near the place, we collectively lacked the courage to enter.  There were several reasons --- someone's stomach simply revolted at the thought, someone else was terrified of that crazy-looking guy behind the sandwich counter, etc.  In any case, we swung across the street to Mom's Bagels instead.  This reviewer had a piece of chocolate cake and a can of coke, so there was nothing to write home about, one way or the other.  However, we observed that two of the members of the party ordered the tuna melt on bagel.  When they each chewed into their food, they both yelled.  One said, 'It must be 400 degrees hot!'  So watch out if you ever come down here and order the tuna melt!  This has been a public service announcement from your favorite website."

REVIEWER: Marc van Lohuizen ESTABLISHMENT: Bouchon Bistro & Wine Bar, 41 Greenwich Avenue (between Charles Street and Perry Street), New York City WHEN:  October 31, 2000 (Halloween) WHAT HE WROTE:         "On the day of the year when tricks and treats are exchanged, nightmares can come true, and things are not as they appear, I was tricked by my party into an odd overpriced French bistro.  We sat in the back section (which may or may not have been a gazebo, although we couldn't be sure) at a table with a tacky plastic umbrella overhead.  Due to the arrangement of the tables, which were deadbolted to the floor, I was unable to move or breathe in the small space that the table cramped against the wall allowed me.  Latin music was playing the entire time we were there (this was a French restaurant, if you recall), and there was a lone medium- sized disco ball in the center of the room, nearly concealed by a score of other tacky umbrellas that covered all the tables in the back, almost as if to obscure or hide this embarrassment from the past (DISCO IS DEAD).           After waiting for what must have been nearly half an hour for our Halloween treats, a poorly clad waiter shambled his way towards our table.  If the old adage is true, and the quality of a thing is directly proportional to the time required to produce it, our dinner must have been truly magnificent indeed.  I can only think to blame my own lack of taste for not perceiving it in this manner, as doubtless any connoisseur of fine French cuisine would have (although such people seemed paradoxically absent from the establishment).            The only things that were on the menu were meat dishes (I was REALLY fortunate to be the vegetarian of the group), but from what I gathered from the looks of displeasure on my companions' faces, these dishes were poorly prepared.  I was able to find one appetizer that did not contain meat, which was essentially a platter (named very inventively "The Cheese Platter") of a very few types of cheese, all of which tasted like they had been aged... and all too well, if you know what I mean.  The bistro is generous enough to provide slices of bread with this cheese, but as I was not in the mood for what can only have been a selectively French delicacy (mold cultured on store-bought Wonder bread), I went with the standard loaves served to all patrons while they wait (far too long) for their meals, which were surprisingly fresh and pleasant to the palate.  I will have to ask them where they have their bread baked, as I ascertain that it is not baked on site from my other impressions of the establishment.           Needless to say, the only reason why we ever entered this place was to escape the frenzied crowds of cross-dressing vampires and other creatures (or such...) of the night gathered outside for the parade.  Dining at the Bouchon bistro seemed like a far more tolerable fate ... further proof that things are not what they appear to be on the 31st of October.  The only thing that comes to mind as being scarier than the quality of our dining experience was the sight of a large fur-covered (yes, it was authentic) gentleman attempting to portray some Baywatch heroine or lingerie model.  I have attached a photo because I am sure that you cannot visualize this.  I heartily recommend this restaurant, both for its special brand of ambiance and for the area in which it is situated, to anyone seeking a frightful time on Halloween."

REVIEWER: Roland Soong
WHEN:  October 24, 2000
RESTAURANT:  Au Bon Pain, West 44th Street between Fifth Avenue and Madison Avenue, New York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  "Once again, for lack of imagination, the crew headed off to the Good Pain.  The francophiles on our club may object to this very loose translation (just remember, La traduction est comme une femme --- lorsqu'elle est belle, elle n'est pas fidèle; lorsqu'elle est fidèle, elle n'est pas belle), but the fact was that our party consisted of two senior French speakers who knew exactly what it means and one junior non-French speaker who needed to know the truth.  This is not a review about the food (what do you expect me to say about one cup of Forest Mushroom soup and a bread roll?).  Rather, we want to inform you about certain practices at the restaurant.  Our junior member proceeded to pick up two sugar-coated donuts and placed them in a big pizza box.  At the check out, he was asked, 'What's in there?'  'Two donuts.'  And the cashier proceeded to ring up without inspection.  Lesson #1, you can stuff twenty donuts in there next time and they would accept your parole de gentilhomme.  Next, our junior member pulled out a one hundred dollar bill, which caused a long delay as the store manager inspected the bill in many different ways until one of our senior members volunteered to pay with a five dollar bill.  Lesson #2, this restaurant will not accept legal bills of large denomination.  However, it makes for a good diversion tactic away from what you have squirreled away in that large pizza box ... This has been a public service announcement from your favorite website."

From Toby Tanser: "I would like to add that Au Bon Pain, despite its rather tacky decor and awful service, does indeed have very nice apple-cinnamon bagels called Dutch something ... they are literally painted with sugar and promote the well-known phrase, 'One is not enough.'"

From Marc van Lohuizen: "Oh, you people at Central Park Track Club don't know me but I am the junior member mentioned in the above.  I don't know why, but on November 6th, 2000, I went back to Au Bon Pain for more torture.  This time, I ordered a custom sandwich and they held me up for 10 minutes because they didn't know how to price it.  Therefore, lesson #3 is  --- don't order a custom sandwich.  P.S.  As a funny aside, someone wanted to know what the shitake in the forest mushroom soup is and got the obvious abbreviated answer!"

REVIEWER: Marc van Lohuizen
RESTAURANT: Burger King, 273 Canal Street (corner of Cortlandt Avenue), Chinatown, New York, NY
WHEN:  October 20, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE:   In celebration of my last birthday, a close friend decided to take me out to an allegedly exclusive club around the area of the site of what would soon become one of my gravest regrets.  Lady Luck had other plans for my companion and I, however, as the club had not yet opened to the public for the evening.  So we decided to grab something to eat somewhere to wait until opening time...

WHAT Silvina Baldermann SAID:  "¡QUE BARBARIDAD!"

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  October 11-13, 2000

During the stated period, I was on a business trip to London.  The following is a report of my observations, which you will undoubtedly recognize as being very similar in style and tone to the usual coverage of our club activities.  In other words, London may never recover from this ...

My sweet home for 3 nights Warning notice on bathroom wall The choice of hot drinks

My hotel is the Jarvis International, the only one in this area.  Prior to going there, many people have given me survival tips and condolences.  I knew that those were probably not idle threats, when even the taxi dispatcher at Heathrow gave me a knowing smirk after I told him the name of my destination. According to the hotel brochure, "Set in a prime position on a major gateway site yet overlooking the green expanses of Ealing Common, the hotel is just 5 miles from the center of London.  It is a first class venue for the business, conference and leisure guest which has benefited from a £4.2 million investment.  There are 150 newly refurbished bedrooms and 39 new Jarvis studios.  All have ensuite facilities, trouser press, remote control satellite television, hairdryer, direct dial telephone and a choice of hot drinks." First of all, no amount of refurbishment is ever going to make a small studio get any larger.  Whilst it is true that this was at least a double bed and not a single bed, the writing desk is so small that it can barely accommodate a laptop computer. If the living quarters were small, the bathroom is even smaller.  There is not even enough room for me to attempt to take a photo.  But I managed to take a photo of the ominous warning message on the bathroom wall (see photo on the left).  I think that they are being overcautious, because there really isn't enough room to slip ... As for the remote control satellite television, there were theoretically twenty-four channels but one was a service channel, six of them were radio sound-only channels and four of them were pay-per-view movies (my received advice was: "Do not order any PPV movies, because you won't receive what you ordered --- you'll only get the soft-core porn.")  What remained were the regular broadcast channels and the Sky channels (read: Fox in the USA).  Of the television programs, I remembered watching a lot of soccer programs from all over the world (they were desperate enough to show the New York Metrostars versus the Chicago Fire) and a lot of soccer commentary (this was the traumatic week after England lost to arch-rival Germany 1-0 in the final game played in Wembley Stadium, the trainer of the national team Kevin Keegan resigned, and England barely escaped with a 0-0 draw against lowly Finland in the World Cup qualifying round, etc).   The picture on the left shows what that 'choice of hot drinks' consisted of --- an electric kettle, two tea cups, two tea spoons, one sauce plate, one plastic-wrapped cookie, four small plastic containers of milk-like substance and a selection of tea bags or instant coffee.  This was what £4.2 million bought? What type of clientele uses this facility?  I will relate one interesting snippet that I overheard (by accident, of course) between two male guests: "In our company, unless you are an engineer, you are just overhead."  I'll have to remember to use that phrase sometime.

Close-up of the bed cover

The bed cover were checkers of blue and yellow colors, with fuzzy white specks introduced into the blue.  Now, this must have been the result of careful human engineering, because it would be difficult to tell whether a white spot (see the middle of the photo on the left) is part of the original design or "you-know-what."  I did not conduct test for human genetic materials in this case because I really didn't want to know. In this same photo, I have included portions of a map drawn by a previous guest from New York.  Underneath "Jarvis," he had written "Eat" first and then crossed it out emphatically.  To the right, the letters "McD" denote the obviously dismal, but evidently not as evil, alternative.  With a recommendation like this, how can I turn down my chance for a memorable food review for the website?  So on the second night, after an all-day business meeting that left me too exhausted to want to go out into the rain, I tried the Art Café in the hotel.

My informant had stayed in this hotel for three weeks in a row, and therefore had sampled everything on the menu.  He offered some helpful hints --- "Do not try the lamb chop, because it is just two tiny blobs of red meat.  Do not try the pork chop because it is undercooked."  So I read through the menu, first filtering out anything that he had warned me about and choosing the minimum risk item from what remains.  I ordered the steak with instructions for 'medium rare' and it came back as a piece of shoe leather!  The side dish was potato dauphinoise, and it was difficult to see how they actually managed to make the potato so greasy.  But whereas my informant said, "Do not eat at the hotel if you don't want to get sick!", I did not suffer any ill effects.

On the next day, I had a very British meal in a modernized pub --- fish and chips, with Irish Stout.  The only regret was that I missed the liberal --- sorry, I mean extravagant --- sprinkling of salt that one always got at a real fish-and-chips shop.

On the final day before I left, I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant in London's Chinatown.  Without any guidance, I just chose a restaurant named "Harbor City" because its Chinese name is a well-known brand name for Peking-style restaurants in Beijing, Hong Kong and New York City (where it is incarnated as the well-regarded Joe's Shanghai Restaurant on West 56th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues).  Alas, the London version does not match up to its namesakes.  The soup was Shark Fin Soup with Chicken; it tasted slightly of ginseng, which is to their credit because this proved that the soup definitely did not come straight out of a can.  The entrée was Mixed Seafood with Salt and Chili, which was totally bungled.  The result was a rather bland dish without the sharp, pungent flavor of the spices.  I give a higher score to the fish and chips the day before. The beer was the Chinese brand Tsing Dao, which is thoroughly German lager given another brand identity (because the Germans brought their beer manufacturing technology to the city of Tsing Dao in the early twentieth century when the place was a German protectorate).

I also feel that it is no longer necessary to discuss airline food, and I am sure that you know what I mean ... (burf!) ...

Of course, London is more than just Ealing.  But this is the section reserved for the Central Park Track Club food critics, and so we'll have to leave the other stories for another time and place.  But there is a photo that should interest Yves-Marc Courtines.

From Eve Kaplan: "What are you talking about!?  I once spent a whole week in Ealing and you were there for only three days."
From Colin Frew: "Next time you are in London, give me a call. I live in Chisiwck, which is only about 10 mins by car from the Jarvis.  It sounds like you needed rescuing, or perhaps feeding."  Who's the one who needs rescuing ...?

REVIEWER:  Risa Becker
RESTAURANT: Sportsman's Steakhouse and Lounge (just northwest of Ponca, Nebraska)
WHEN: September, 2000
WHAT SHE WROTE: I couldn't wait to visit northeast Nebraska, because as an urban East Coaster, America's heartland always seemed exotic to me.  On my first day, I drove for hours past farms and cornfields and I avoided heavy food in anticipation of a fantastic steak dinner.  I was in Nebraska on business and a co-worker had recommended Sportsman's Steakhouse and Lounge, so I looked forward to the meal.

My companion and I arrived at the steakhouse and our waitress took our drink order and directed us to the buffet.  We found no steak. instead, only fried fish sticks and roast chicken.  Figuring the buffet was an appetizer, we asked to see a menu.  Our waitress obliged, but cautioned that we couldn't order from it, because it was Friday and Friday was buffet day.  Sportsman's caters to the local Catholic population who avoid meat on Fridays, so we steak-cravers were out of luck.  Given that the nearest restaurant was 20 miles away, we swallowed our disappointment and dug into the fishsticks.

Finger Lickin' Good

RESTAURANT:  Tar Box Hollow Buffalo Ranch, Dixon, Nebraska WHEN:  September, 2000 REVIEW:  I had better luck the next day at Tar Box Buffalo Ranch.  There, we were treated to an informative tour and covered wagon ride.  We viewed sunflowers, ten types of grasses, buffalo jerky, buffalo soap, and, finally, the monstrous buffaloes themselves.  We were permitted to feed the buffaloes, but not to touch them or leave the wagon, because, as our guide explained, they're not domesticated and "they'll kill you."  The buffaloes were happy to see the wagon and scooped up the food pellets from our fingers with their 8-inch long, gray tongues.  It was kind of gross, because they were salivating a lot, but I felt like we were in touch with wild animals and that was a thrill. Later we avenged the "finger-licking" by enjoying a buffalo steak sandwich on a hamburger roll with potato chips and a pop (i.e. Coke).  Great day, simple meal, and it definitely beat Sportsman's Lounge.

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong
RESTAURANT:  ESPN Zone, Times Square (42nd Street and Broadway), New York City
WHEN:  September 25th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE:  "Another corporate shindig sent me into yet another unlikely location.  Please note that they will not take telephone reservations, so you have to show up in person to see where you stand.  When I walked in, I immediately saw that this ESPN-branded place had television sets all over the place tuned to different sports programs (the NBC Olympics, the MSNBC Olympics coverage, Monday Night Football on ABC, the baseball game on ESPN, the lumberjack championships on ESPN2, and definitely no Fox Sports programs anywhere).  When we told the receptionist that we were a party of eight, he read us our rights, 'We have no large tables left for you.  Your party will be seated on separate tables.  This means that you may be sitting next to strangers, and strangers may be sitting next to you.  Is that understood?'  Meekly, we accepted our fate and trotted upstairs to our tables.  We found that we had two tables of four, next to each other.  We promptly picked up the tables and chairs and formed a large table.  Duh! (please add appropriate tone of sarcasm)

This particular night was a truly poor choice, as it was ABC's Monday Night Football game.  The two featured teams were the Indianapolis Colts and the Jacksonville Jaguars, which meant that all their loyal citizens now exiled into our city congregated in this public place to root for their home teams.  Meanwhile, I was really anxious to check out the Olympic track & field results (the finals for the women's 800m, the women's 5,000m and the men's 10,000m) but the only set showing that was about 50 feet away from the table.  So all I saw was blurred images of the last laps of those three races. 

As for the food, the receptionist had also read us the law of the land, "You are hereby given an admission ticket, which entitles you to a seat subject to a minimum charge of $30 per person."  This means that there is no point in getting macaroni and cheese, because you would be paying $30 anyway.  The entrees are mostly meat (New York strip steak, filet mignon, baby beef ribs, pork chops, etc), with this note, 'supplemented with vegetables of the day designated by the chef.'  In other words, you have to eat whatever vegetables they pass off to you.  On this particular night, the entree came with whole baked potatoes and string beans where were incredibly over-salted and unpalatable.  As for the entrees, the portions are somewhat unpredictable.  The filet mignon and pork chop came in humanly manageable portions, but the baby spare ribs that the female member of the party ordered were as big as an accordion.

You need to careful what beer to order.  The safe bet is to ask for a bottle of your favorite brand.  The female member of our party asked for draft Sam Adams and was presented with a mug so huge that if she put her elbow in it, her armpit would be drowned.

In line with the theme of television everywhere, the bathroom is also equipped with television sets.  Above the men's urinals, there are small six-inch television screens at the eye level of someone who is 5'8" tall.  So you could miss something important in the game if you are either too tall or too short.   Also, there are no buttons to switch channels on those screens, so a baseball fan may be stuck with the football score.

As I sat looking out the window, I think I have scouted an even more unlikely location for the next corporate shindig --- the World Wrestling Federation Theme Restaurant right across the street!  I can't wait until I can sink my fangs into them!"

REVIEWER: Toby Tanser
RESTAURANT:  A certain restaurant on Doyer Street, Chinatown, New York City
WHEN:  September 14th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "The problem with good food is the memory of the matter supersedes all else.  Sitting in a restaurant of Malaysian, Singapore & Indonesian delicacies I was determined to remember all for the Central Park Track Club food review. Unfortunately, the name of the restaurant, the dishes and all else has been forgotten.  Luckily I do remember Doyer Street in Chinatown ... I hope the street is not too long.  Also you had to go downstairs through a shop front to get to the eatery.

We ate for 3 hrs non-stop.  Dish after dish arrived at our table, mostly in the protein basket of delicious food. There was one particular beef dish that was sublime ... the name of it? Dessert was a dehydrated runner's dream - ice frozen on-top of a syrup, black rice porridge and some multi-colored things that tasted great.  Reasonably priced, good portions and a great staff who don't get in your face or food.

I cannot say enough good things about this restaurant - I would recommend anyone who likes authentic tasty food, and is passing through Chinatown hungry, to check out this place for a feast. Rated: 8/10 (only Pick-A-Bagel has scored higher).

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong
RESTAURANT: Two Sisters, Hyatt Regency Coral, Coral Gables, Miami, Florida
WHEN:  September 11th, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE:  "This was a day trip for a business meeting that did not end until 10pm.  After walking out of the smoke-filled office, I looked around for a place to have dinner.  I scanned around --- a Taco Bell right across the street, a Cuban deli (Sergio's) to its left, a McDonald's further down; on this side of the street, there was a Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Oh, I must not forget to mention my business associate's favorite lunch place --- he told me, 'I get lunch every day from the Exxon service station right next to the office building.  I always get two chili dogs from there.'  All of a sudden, I was not so hungry after all.  

I went back to the hotel to change and then proceeded to the only restaurant inside the hotel.  At this hour, I really did not feel like going out again.  Since this is a Hyatt Regency, they will not permit fast food franchises on their facilities.  This restaurant, called Two Sisters, was deserted at this hour.  I ordered the blackened seabass with béarnaise sauce.  It was awesome!  The fish virtually melt in my mouth.  The vegetables (carrot and broccoli) looked great --- unfortunately, they looked too good to be true.  Visually, they really reminded me of the green grass and orange team uniform colors in those photos on our club website when our graphics designer goes overboard with the 'saturated' option in Adobe PhotoShop (see sample photo of John Scherrer and Jonathan Pillow)!"

P.S.  In answer to your burning question, I did not see the two sisters.  From what I can see, the entire restaurant staff was male.

REVIEWER:  Eve Kaplan
RESTAURANT:  Tally Ho (Rue Chartres (French Quarter, duh), New Orleans, LA)
WHAT SHE WROTE:  "Let's start off by saying that anyone who is dumb enough to try running a 10-miler at 9am in New Orleans in late August deserves a pretty amazing breakfast to follow up!

Tally Ho is a little tin diner in the French Quarter.  Surrounded by restaurants touting the usual etouffe and jambalaya, it's easy to miss this fantastic place with its swivel-stool chrome counter and unlimited coffee refills.  Breakfast here is the usual diner fare, with a few local specialties thrown in for good measure (I guess they don't want to drive away too much of the tourist business) such as eggs with alligator sausage or crawfish and beans.

I ordered the infamous pancakes. ($3.99/1; $4.99/2; and $5.99/3... to be discussed shortly!) The menu says these are the biggest and best pancakes in the world, and "We bet you can't!" is written next to the price for ordering three. You can get them with or without banana slices. I ordered 2 with bananas: one for me, and one for my companion, who was also ordering a country omelet and toast ($4.99, omelet with hash, sausage, cheese, veggies.)

When the pancakes arrived, I nearly died... we're talking TOBY-TANSER STYLE CARBO LOADING ... Pancakes the size of a New York manhole cover. (Actually, Toby could probably eat all three and then some.)  Needless to say, they were indeed the best pancakes I have ever had.  I downed one, and left the other to my companion who polished it off in about the time it takes him to run a mile in Central Park. (Polo Sport RLX should consider sponsoring pancake-eating contests as cross-training for their athletes.)

After eating, we headed up the street 2 blocks for another 'must'... the New Orleans Pharmacy Museum, at the site of the first pharmacy in the country.  This homey and weird little museum houses such oddities as old medicines, live leeches, and some of the most horrific ancient surgery tools you'd ever want to see.  It's the best $2.00 museum I have ever visited - but you might want to wait until *after* you eat.  Some of the descriptions and pictures of things like the first treatments for cholera (which resulted in your facial skin rotting off) and headache treatments (drilling a small hole in your head to release 'pressure') are almost as stomach-turning as trying to run in 105-degree heat at 9am in New Orleans."

REVIEWER: Toby Tanser, the Flying Trapeze Artist
WHERE:  Pick-a-Bagel, 2nd Avenue and 77th Street, New York, NY

When I first came to New York way back in 1996, I stayed on the Upper East Side.  Believe it or not, I had never eaten a bagel before in my life. I was undernourished and in need of eating like a pig, that is why I was in new York - to rectify the eating disorder.  I had been for the last half year in Kenya where bland is a description of my diet. Very wholesome nutritious food, though I was in need of a sugar dive, a fat splash and... a stomach pump. So anyway ,each day I would go to Jackson Hole for a burger for breakfast, cruise the avenues stopping at each and every eatery and gaining more kilos than a Sumo wrestler. Once a week, I'd jog the reservoir to fool myself that I was keeping in shape. Well the strange thing, and eventually the focus of this story, was that I kept on returning to one place and eating what many would call 'bland' food again. For lunch, brunch, dinner or supper I could be there. It was the Pick-a-bagel store on 2nd ave & 77th. Years past, and in the true tradition of changing scripts, I returned to New York in 1999.  I could not forget the Pick-a-bagel store, the taste had lingered with me across many continents, and although I was now a couple of miles away from the store ( a journey in Manhattan but a snowflake in the Greenland) I had to return to the store to buy my bagels.  The taste was the same, exactly as I had remembered.  To this day Pick-a-bagel remains my favorite eatery in New York.

POSTSCRIPT (10/27/2000):  "I had a meeting with the New York Post today.  They asked me 'What can we do to coax you for an interview?' Stupidly, without thinking I said 'Bagels & coffee.'  Apparently the cheapest interview yet!"

REVIEWER:  Caryn Cherlin
RESTAURANT:  Michael Jordan's Steakhouse, Grand Central Station, New York City, NY

WHAT SHE WROTE:  "I know what your most pressing question is and here is the answer --- If you're looking for him, he's not here.  But for some reason, the 'set designers' and P.R. people thought a real money maker would be selling actual cattle bones (sans marrow, but you can order the marrow as an appetizer in the restaurant) signed by famous people presumed to have eaten there. 

Okay, as for the food, the steak is good.  And you can order a Buffalo steak - feel like a real cowboy right there in Grand Central Station!  They get you, of course, with the sides. When you order steak, that's what you get.  Steak. Vegetables? That'll be $10 extra.  But they only have 1 or 2 actual vegetable choices on the menu --- posing instead are creamed corn, creamed spinach, possibly some fried onions and mashed potatoes.  Also, don't expect the wait staff to rush over with water when you sit down --- you have to request it.  However, it ain't that simple. Be prepared for the humiliation of requesting merely 'plain tap' water when offered Pellegrino, or some other fashionable bottled choices.  

But the truth is, Michael Jordan's is a fun place to go for a business lunch.  It's nice to the have the chance to relax, have some tasty (if over-indulgent) food and absorb the atmosphere of Grand Central."

REVIEWER:  Roland Soong

WHAT HE WROTE:  Yes, another corporate shindig brought me to Michael Jordan's Steakhouse with five other people.  I re-read Caryn's review to make sure that I am not missing anything important.

• The atmosphere of Grand Central?  Well, someone in the party noted that there was a constant din of white noise in the background coming from the concourse.  You might be impressed if you have been living in Ponca, Nebraska all  your life.  If you have spent six years commuting on the LIRR like me, you would not be impressed ... in fact, you would be EXTREMELY ANNOYED!

• The flies!  There are more flies in this place than a Greek tragedy (ref: J-P Sartre, Les Mouches).

• The staff brought over water immediately without asking.  There were several hypotheses: one, we were dressed like riffraffs and obviously unable to afford Pellegrino; two, we were dressed like riffraffs and obviously would be consuming massive amounts of hard liquor; three, Caryn's review had obviously made an impact on the restaurant management --- oh, yes, we promised you that we would become a power in this town ...

• In this party of six, the junior member was a vegetarian.  Obviously, a steakhouse was not the ideal place for him to be.  While we looked at the menu, we cracked jokes about the various non-meat dishes that he could have, especially 'macaroni and cheese'.  However, this turned out not to be microwaved Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese, but in fact it was a branded Michael's Macaroni and Cheese that tasted like fondue.  As good as that might be, this is still an odd place to come just for that.  But of course, he had much more than that --- hashed potatos, garlic bread, fried onion rings, creamy spinach, asparagus, ...  He could not have the corn, because it came with bacon strips.

• The featured dish is the 'porterhouse steak for two' at $60.95.  Four of the people shared two orders, the fifth is a vegetarian, which leaves me with an order all for myself, right?  Where was Toby Tanser when I needed him?

• No, we did not see Michael either.

WHO:  Michele Tagliati
WHEN:  July 29, 2000
WHAT HE WROTE: "Before I leave Italy, I was thinking to give you material for some 'Traveling tips' to enrich our club members info (we have food critics, why not traveling tips?). In fact, I'd like to highly recommend a lovely place in Tuscany, called Montalpruno. I just spent two wonderful weeks there with my family. As we read on their website (www.Montalpruno.com ): "The Montalpruno Estate with 35 ha of Chianti land is situated on a hill, above the ancient town walls of Staggia Senese, half way between Florence and Siena, along the antique consular road "Cassia", just a few minutes from Monteriggioni.  Here there is a farmhouse dating back to the end of the 19th century with some confortable apartments and everything you need for a beautiful holiday in the Tuscan countryside.  The apartments sleep from 2 to 8 persons and are carefully furnished in rural Tuscan style. Vineyards, olive groves and orchards surround the extensive outside areas.  Several art cities are within easy reach: Florence 30 Km, Siena 15 Km, San Gimignano 10 Km, Volterra 30 Km.  This beautiful natural area is perfect for nice walks, taking a swim in the swimming pool, playing tennis or simply resting in the shade of an age-old holm-oak."

For our runners community, I'd like to add that there is a network of country paths and dirt roads covering dozens of miles through vineyards, sunflowers fields and gentle hills. While designed for mountain bike and horse back riding excursions, these roads offer unlimited possibilities for runners who want to keep their training shape or just reduce the effects of Italian food on their weight ..."

In the photo gallery for the Lesbian and Gay Pride Run, June 24, 2000, the following item appeared:

Photo  This is a photo of Kim Mannen's tuna sandwich.  After wolfing it down, she said, "I'm starving.  What else do they here?  What can I buy for ten dollars?"  Seeing the astonished looks, she said, "You have no idea how much I can eat."  Now we know ...

This led to this following exchange: 

• Eve Kaplan: "Someone should have told her that if she had just $2.00 more she could have bought Bola's famous $12.00 ham sandwiches from EAT."  (note:  the reference is to an item in the photo gallery for the 1999 Fifth Avenue Mile --- photo: "And if you are Bola Awofeso, you make sure that you grab a bite first.  This ham sandwich was purchased from E.A.T. for US$12.  Eat your heart out!"  That sandwich also appeared as the topic for item #3 in Trivia Quiz # 9.)

• Roland Soong: "This is not a good sign when you can remember all these stories ... get a life, Eve!"

• Eve Kaplan: "If I remember them, it's only because someone keeps documenting every little detail of the Central Park Track Club goings-on!  Maybe we should both get a life!"

REVIEWER: Roland Soong
RESTAURANT:  Cabana Carioca
LOCATION:  123 West 45th Street, between 6th and 7th Avenue, New York, NY

WHEN:  July 5th, 2000
REVIEW:  First of all, it took a while to find this place in Little Brazil because our guide was not completely sure (and this was not helped by someone mumbling, "We're lost!  We're lost!" the whole time!).  When we arrived at the address, we were faced immediately with a dilemma --- there were in fact two entrances.  The entrance to the ground level had a sign that reads: "$10.95 deluxe lunch buffet" and right next to it is another entrance with a sign: "$5.45 budget lunch buffet on third floor."  What to do?  Everybody said "I don't care"