"Dis-moi ce que tu manges, je te dirai ce que tu es"  A. Brillat-Savarin, 1755-1826

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  December 24, 2001
WHERE:  Aquavit, 13 West 54th Street, New York City, NY

Finding this place is by no means easy, although you can't get lost if you know the exact street address.  The restaurant is invisible from the street, as you will only see a town house that serves as a foreign embassy.  But if you take the steps down the basement (where the garbage bins are usually stored for residences), you step into a restaurant.  Visually, as you enter, it looks like an ordinary bar, with some stools and tables.  Full meals are served another flight down.  When you go down into the main dining area, the sight is astonishing.  Instead of an underground air-raid bunker, you step into an area with a 50 feet tall ceiling with skylight and a 25-feet tall artificial waterfall.  Apparently, this area was carved out from a garden of what used to be John D. Rockefeller's townhouse.  The combination of the invisible basement entrance and the high ceiling  is unusual and definitely not by design, but does make an impression.

Aquavit is a Swedish restaurant, whose executive chef is Marcus Samuelsson.  In spite of the Nordic sounding name, Samuelsson was in fact born in Ethiopia; when his parents died during a tuberculosis outbreak, he was adopted by a Swedish couple and learned to cook from his Swedish grandmother.  He has also been interviewed and featured many times, so he is a good source of quotes.  To wit, "Everything is an opportunity or a problem.  The problem can be that people don't know what Swedish food is supposed to be. But you can look at it also as an opportunity for me to educate."  Also, "One advantage of being a minority is that you've been humbled enough times that you learn to listen to people. I can go anywhere in New York's food world -- Chinatown, the Italian areas -- and I don't have to prove anything. I just shut up and learn."

The food offering tonight was actually a buffet.  Since the plates were stacked on the left hand side, this is presumably the direction to start.  Based upon the layout, the best strategy was to make four different visits.  On the first visit, there are about a dozen different dishes of herring, gravlax and eel to sample.  The only problem is that there are far too many to choose from.  If we found one particular dish that we liked, we would probably never recognize it if we went back again.  On the second visit, there are the salad, salmon and cold meat cuts.  This was the best part of the meal for me.  On the third visit, there are the hot entrees, including meat balls, sausages, beef steak and pork ribs.  This was the least favorite part of the meal for me, since I felt the meat was heavily overcooked.  On the fourth visit, there are the light desserts.  But I was overwhelmed by then.

One thing that we did not try is the namesake of the restaurant --- aquavit, a legendary Swedish drink with 45% alcohol content.  This would have particularly difficult for an unconditioned person since aquavit is supposed to be downed in one gulp (and then you can bite into the herring placed on a slice of bread, according to the tradition).

This place was bustling with people, although there seems to be more staff than diners.  Every time we got up to get more food from the buffet, our plates weare replaced with clean ones and our napkins neatly folded.  The one faux pas was when the waiter poured the last of the bottled water into a glass of wine.  When he realized his mistake, he replaced that glass with a complimentary tasting and apologized: "I have been doing this since 7 am this morning ..."

And now for the damage tally --- on the bill, the buffet meal was labeled as 'brunch' and came at the rate of $65 per head.  Pretty heady stuff indeed, I dare say.  The bottle of Sonoma County cabernet sauvignon was marked at $47.  The bottled water (Ramlösa (Sweden)) was marked only at $6 which was astonishingly low because we have seen Pellegrino marked at $12.  When all said and done, the bill for three people was $254 (before taxes).  I suppose that this does not happen every day of the year.

WHO:  Jason Cimetta
WHEN:  December 18, 2001
WHERE:  Orso, 717 Ninth Avenue (west side of street between 48th/49th), New York City, NY

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  December 17, 2001
PLACE:  Sushisay, 38 51st Street (between Park and Madison Avenues), New York City, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  "It was not a case of lapse in corporate frugality that brought me to this place.  As always, the tab was being picked up by some other corporation, not my own (attention: Mary Ellen Howe).  Like all top-rated restaurants these days, this one has a website too.  This is perfect for anyone who needs advance warning about what they are getting into.  When I went to the website, the home page has this greeting: 'Welcome to Summer at Sushisay.'  I know that this winter has been uncommonly warm so far, but this is really stretching it.  When I went to the restaurant menu page, it reads 'Sushisay menus --- coming soon.'  However, the website does have this lovely picture:

Not being exactly sure as to what to order (given the lack of a full annotated menu on the website) and being too timid to ask for the chef's special of the day, both of us ordered the Sushi Deluxe.  After all, this place is known as Sushisay (the word 'say' means 'pure').  Miso soup was served first, just a small bowl with thick broth containing miso and tofu.   Very understated, but quite right.  The Sushi Deluxe then appeared on a large plate with a sampler of all types and manners of sushi.  This meal was about four times the size of my lunch at Monster Sushi last week (see review below).  And yet I managed to polish off the whole plate.  This cannot be good for a runner!  P.S. I even had ice cream!  The bad news was that the other corporation was set back $57 before tips for a two-person lunch, but you get what you pay for."

REVIEW CRITIC: James Siegel: "Did you get someone else to ghostwrite this review?  I can't believe that there would come a day when you did not trash a place.  P.S.  I like the picture."

WHO: Caryn Cherlin
WHEN:  December 14, 2001
PLACE:  Maggie Moo's Ice Cream Parlor, Kansas City, MO
WHAT SHE WROTE: "Well.  I just had a lovely evening in Kansas City, Missouri.  Really I did.  However, returning to the hotel after a tough day's work I decided to get a fruit smoothie from "Maggie Moo's" ice cream parlor in the adjacent shopping mall.  Several busloads of Senior Citizens had arrived from various outlying towns to holiday shop for the afternoon, and the ice cream line was long.  It also appeared many of the employees were new.  I actually didn't mind the wait as I started chatting with a charming gentleman, who looked like a cowboy in his mid-eighties.  Turns out we're from the same home town, though he lived a spell in Baja California.  Anyway, I finally ordered a Berry Combo (Cranberry juice, Raspberry Sorbet and Strawberries, blended).  I noticed the girl serving me went to consult a recipe card before beginning to fill my order.  TEN FULL MINUTES LATER, she was still struggling with the mixture.  The cashier (whom I'd been waiting in front of), saw her unable to get the stuff to pour out of the blender into a cup, so he yelled "add more cranberry juice and mix it up again!"  She failed to hear him, or just ignored the advice, and ended up hunting down a spoon and scraped it into the plastic cup.  Thus I ended up with thick mush in a cup for $3.79.

P.S.  My hotel was right next to the Hallmark Museum, which contains copies of every trinket that they ever made.  I did not enter the museum, otherwise I would have reviewed it for you."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  December 11, 2001
PLACE:  Monster Sushi, 22 46th Street (between 5th and 6th Avenues), Midtown NYC
WHAT HE WROTE:  "All we were looking for was a quick and quiet meal, and that was not going to happen at the usual Chinese restaurant (note: slow and loud).  So we went to this slightly more expensive Japanese restaurant instead.  The layout of the place is somewhat unusual.  You pull open the glass door and you walk immediately into a small eating area.  The hostess, the cash register, the sushi bar and the rest of the eating area are located another 30 feet down.  When we spoke to the hostess, she said that there were no seats available immediately inside but we could sit in the outside eating area, which was completely deserted.  She warned us that it might be cold.  Since my companion is French Canadian (note: this was not an intentional Canuck joke) and presumably cold-proof, we agreed just so we can sit down and order.

After a while, we realized that the real problem was that there was constant foot traffic and that the cold air was entering every time that the glass door was opened.  At one point, someone walked out without closing the door, so that a female customer at another table near the door had to get up, walk over and close the door.  Again, I will simply note that this volunteer doorperson was a francophone (according to my companion, with a Parisian accent).

Why am I so obsessed with the French anyway?  I am supposed to be talking about the Japanese food, right?  First course: hot soup!  After all, we were sitting there with our winter coats on and something (anything) warm would help.  My companion ordered miso soup, and that appeared in five seconds.  I ordered the house soup and it took five minutes.  Did they have to go out to supermarket to buy the ingredients?  The house soup had these ingredients: 'sliced pork, mushrooms, bean curd and scallions in miso soup base with sesame oil and wakame.'  Everything was fine and dandy except for the sliced pork --- I have never had dried pork jerky in my soup before!  That is an interesting and intriguing concept, but it should probably not be present in a soup.

Main course: Alaska sushi roll (salmon, avacado (sic) and cucumber).  The sticky rice was not packed hard enough, so that pieces started falling out as soon as I picked them up.  Picking up the rice one grain at a time with chopsticks did not make for a quick meal.  There was a choice between regular soy sauce versus 'light salt' soy sauce (what a travesty!!!), which must be a sign of the times.

P.S.  One of our office mates said, 'I don't like going to Monster Sushi.  I don't like this nasty-looking fish staring at me when I walk in.'"

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  November 28, 2001
PLACE: Da Umberto, 107 West 17th Street (between 6th and 7th Avenues), Chelsea, NYC
WHAT HE WROTE:  "Noting that my last review was dated October 26th, it was obvious that nothing exciting has been happening.  In case you haven't heard, we are officially in a recession.  This means corporate belt-tightening, especially with respect to travel & entertainment.

On this occasion, it was some other corporation that was footing the bill, which meant a nice break from the unspeakable horrors of lunch at the deli around the corner.  I was told that they were on tight budgets too, so that they can only afford to take me to the restaurant around the corner.  Well, well, well ... if tight budget means eating twenty-dollar entrees, then I am definitely working for the wrong company ...

I was going to meet someone for whom my 'cousin' worked.  My 'cousin' told me that her boss asked her, "I am having lunch with Roland.  Are you free for lunch?"  When she happily said yes, he said, "Well, unfortunately, you can't come with us because we are on a tight budget."  Yes, my 'cousin' works for a sadist just like me ...

After the waiter gave us the menus, he proceeded to recite a list of specials that was in fact much longer than the regular menu itself.  Since he spoke at a rate of 10,000 Italian-accented words a minute, I could not remember anything (except something about rabbit stew and venison).  So I went back to reading the regular menu, and eventually settled for the baked salmon with vegetables.  It was delicious northern Italian home-style cooking, and I mopped up the whole dish.  The experience was definitely worth twenty dollars.

Two bottles of Chianti wine were ordered for the party of four.  There was a long thinking process before it was determined that the $10 additional cost was not worth paying for the 1998 vintage, even though it had a 98 (or 99?) ranking in Wine Spectator.  All of this was totally lost on me, of course.

After going there, I came back and read the reviews.  Here is the best one: "In una saletta in penombra sul davanti e in una seconda più spaziosa e luminosa sul retro, (probabilmente la migliore), vengono serviti piatti tipici fiorentini, in particolare arrosti e selvaggina. Attraverso una parete di vetro è possibile osservare il cuoco mentre cucina e dispone sui piatti porzioni di fagiano al forno con erbette, costolette di vitello e fette di maiale con aglio."  Ah, yes, of course, ..."

P.S.  A co-worker in our Miami office was searching for New York City restaurants on behalf of her dad.  Unintentionally and inevitably, she found herself directed to this particular page.  After reading a number of these reviews, she had this question for us, "Do you people do any work up there?"  We plead the Fifth Amendment ...

Venice, Italy

WHO: Roland Soong
WHEN:  October 20-26, 2001
WHERE:  Venice (Italy)

I had the occasion to spend a whole week here (for work-related reasons), and here are my observations.  Although this is supposed to be a food review page, my observations will include various other things.  Our regular readers will not be disconcerted, since they are well aware that food is in fact rarely mentioned here.

The event venue was the Excelsior Hotel in Lido, across the lagoon from Venice itself.  This is a famous beach tourist area, and the Time Out Guide's comments like 'discos, mega-campsites and acres of sand,' 'easily reached and usually packed,' and 'in the grin-and-bear-it category as far as cleanliness goes' were grim tidings.  Fortunately, this was not the tourist season any more, and there was hardly anyone around.

Venice Lido --- these are not bunkers, but beach huts overlooking the Adriatic Sea.
Bunkers are on the other side of the sea in Albania

October 20 (Saturday):  We left New York in the evening.  The atmosphere at JFK airport was quite tense, given the prevailing circumstances.  We took a Delta Airlines direct flight to Venice, and we felt quite safe because the passengers included a full soccer team as well as many military personnel, but it was much more tense with the other flight that was going to Ammam (Jordan). 

For dinner, I elected to have the stripped steak.  It was actually fairly decent, but then the meal had better be good in business class.  When we woke up in the morning, we were served breakfast.  We were given two choices: Kellogg's Corn Flakes with Milk, or Omelet with Gouda Cheese and Onion.  Thinking that corn flakes was unthinkable, I choose the omelet.  Big mistake!  The strategy should always be "go for the minimum risk!"  But then I had operated on the starting premise of "How can anyone screw up an omelet?"  Apparently, someone did ...  I reminded myself to check out if anyone can screw up Kellogg's Corn Flakes on the return trip.

October 21 (Sunday):  We arrived around lunch on Sunday, and we ate a leisure lunch at the hotel restaurant (Tropicalia).  I ordered a pizza with mushroom toppings.  When the pizza arrived thirty minutes later, the pie was lukewarm (my lunch companion grumbled: "Make sure that you put that down in the food review").  Other differences from the New York style pizza were a thinner crust and lots of olive oil.  Nevertheless, this was a pleasant change from the standard fare in New York, and a much needed shaking up of New York-centric thinking.

We read the hotel brochure, and saw that gym facilities were available at the sister hotel, Hotel des Bains, down the road.  So we walked the half mile and, to our dismay, found that the gym was located in a dark room equipped with one ping-pong table and one pool table.  On our way back, we walked down the Lido beach instead.  Now, this beach was made famous as the setting of Luchino Visconti's movie of Thomas Mann's Death In Venice, set to the adagio from Gustav Mahler's Fifth Symphony.  I had my camera with me to take pictures, but my companion kept asking, "Why are you taking pictures of every piece of floating garbage that we see?"  The short answer is to make sure that my readers do not miss anything ...

For dinner ... what dinner?  There was a reception that evening at which ample snacks were offered.  That, plus a few glasses of wine, was enough to send me to bed.

October 22 (Monday):  Breakfast was always free at the hotel restaurant.  This is just standard buffet style western breakfast (choice of eggs, sausages, salmon, cereal, fruit, etc).  What is noteworthy is that the restaurant faces the Adriatic sea.  On this morning, I was able to observe the sunrise at 745am.  That was nice, because I can never get up early enough in New York (unless I hadn't gone to sleep yet).

Lunch was also provided in principle at the same hotel restaurant.  But my companion and I bailed out today to the local restaurant across the street just so we can rehearse our show for the afternoon.  Lunch was spaghetti with meat sauce, plus regular Coca-cola.  Yes, this was home-style cooking (and very economically priced).

After a full day of excitement, there was no way that we would be trapped at the hotel for dinner too.  While there was no specific purpose tonight, we knew that we were scheduled to entertain our clients tomorrow night at a place that was booked sight unseen.  So four of us were sent out as the advance scout party, just to make sure that we knew where it was and to screen for extreme unsavoriness.  The mission was accomplished when we found the place by a miracle (namely, someone with eagle eyes spotted a small sign 50 yards down a narrow street).  We looked in through the window and we checked out the menu (note: all Venetian restaurant menus come in Italian, English, German, French, Spanish, Japanese and Russian, all with apparently the same offering).  After noting the price, we bailed out to another dive of a restaurant in the nethers because our party of four were not on company expense account (we cannot do so if the number of employees exceed the number of clients).  I don't recall the name of this other restaurant, so I cannot destroy their reputation like I wanted to.  I had sea bass there, and I will say that the Chileans do a lot better than the Italians.

October 23 (Tuesday):  Dinner tonight was at a restaurant named Trattoria di Forni for twenty-five people.  We almost got lost, as the alley that we found yesterday was blocked by the inevitable Senegal handbag vendors.  We arrived at the front Trattoria di Forni and the waiter brought us around the side down a poorly lit narrow side alley to arrive at the adjacent Trattoria Due Forni.  Let me put it this way --- this was the proverbial dark alley that you don't want to go down.  When we got there, we found a relatively spacious facility.  The menu was prix fixe, with a choice between bass and steak.  Based upon my previous night's experience, and lacking any other signal, I opted for the steak.  That was a strange choice to have in Venice, but I had to play it safe.  The meal also included other courses such as green salad, rice pudding, pasta and ice cream.  The price was also enormously expensive.  Venetian weather is fickle, as we walked out into pouring rain afterwards, and it is not easy trying to sprint for the last boat when one is weighed down by food.

October 24 (Wednesday):  This was the open day when people can do whatever they wish to.  I signed up for a walking tour of Venice.  Here are some photos that I took along the way.

• Photo:  Venice is the city of canals, where you have a choice of walking or going around by boat.
• Photo:  There are no modern sleek supermalls in Venice.  This is a fresh produce market.
• Photo:  The most famous bridge in Venice is Ponte del Rialto, where Englishmen come to recite the verse from William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice --- "Now, what news on the Rialto?"
• Photo:  This is every Venetian house's water stopper.
• Photo:  Not even a world heritage site is immune from graffiti.
• Photo:  Globalization means that even Venice features Chinese ristoranti.
• Photo:  Some Venetian pedestrian walkways are single lane only.
• Photo:  The Bridge of Sighs across which prisoners would 'descend into the dungeon which none entered and hoped to see the sun again' (Mark Twain).
• Photo:  Piazza San Marco from the lagoon

The tour included a lunch served in a tiny place called Trattoria Antica Besetta.  The meal included green salad, pasta and a seafood plate.  I can double my size if I continue to live here ...

In the evening, it was time to retrench after the over-indulgence.  So our party of four trotted down to the one (and only one) local restaurant for a simple meal.  There, we promptly found other refugees from the hotel too.  My order was spaghetti with spider crabs.  Actually, I liked the bread sticks more.  The evening passed by quickly as we passionately discussed our favorite subject --- 'enhanced ascription.'  To be more precise, I threatened to talk about it and they prevented me.

October 25 (Thursday):  In the evening, it was the time to celebrate British, Canadian and American friendship.  The restaurant in Dorsoduro was carefully selected and its location was carefully marked on a map.  Our party of ten never got there because we dove into another restaurant (Trattoria Piccolo Martini) just behind Piazza San Marco on impulse.  This restaurant falls into the category of 'strongly not recommended.'  How so?  The person next to me kept nudging me to offer quotes for the food review:

"There is a fly in my water ... (pause for dramatic effect) ... it is still kicking and fluttering!"
"The merlot wine is not bad ... (pause for dramatic effect) ... after I fish out the pieces of cork floating in it."
"There is a hair in my prosciutto ... (pause for dramatic effect) ... and it is not mine!"

As for me, after the previous evenings, I had to look for something new.  Lamb and potatoes?  Sounds good, huh?  Well, unfortunately, this was not lamb chops but lamb neck bone.  But the evening flew by rather quickly as the bottles of wine came and went, and the conversation was concentrated on the spokes of the wheel in the grand unification theory of constrained statistical matching --- I kid you not!  It was so exciting that one of the delegate's wife fled the table to watch the piano player instead.

October 26 (Friday):  Most of the time, I cannot remember what they served at lunch in the hotel.  On this day, they made it memorable by serving the traditional rubber chicken.  The chicken was not bitter, but I was.

In the evening, it was time for the traditional gala awards dinner at the Hotel des Bains.  I have saved the menu for posterity.

Smoked sturgeon, tuna fish and sword-fish with whole wheat toast
Pumpkin ravioli with butter and thyme sauce
Fillet of beef with Amarone sauce, duchesse potatoes, broccoli with anchovies
Wild berries delight
Friandies and coffee

Disappointing would have been an understatement for the food --- the appetizer was too dry, the ravioli was too filling, the beef was described on sight by someone as 'shoe leather' and the coffee was jolting.  None of this matters as something wonderful happened between the pasta and the meat, but you will not get an explanation here (note: this is called a tease!).  We were elated enough that we ignored the waiting bus and walked back to our hotel where we ordered bottles and more bottles of champagne to celebrate.  The party lasted until 4am.

October 27 (Saturday):  The plane left just after noon.  A final quick dip in the restaurant for breakfast and watching the sunrise one last time.  On the plane, I was offered a choice between chicken and a 'simple shrimp bisquet soup.'  After yesterday's classical rubber chicken at lunch, I opted for the soup.  I was glad that when I saw the chicken ordered by my companion.  Although I had no stronger expectation than a cup of Campbell's soup, I was pleasantly surprised to actually find three shrimps in the soup.  This absolves the airline from the charge of false advertising.

At the beginning of the week, the following quiz was posted on the website:  

Your website guy will be spending the week in Venice (Italy), so that there will be no updates.  Can you guess what he is doing there?  The first person who sends in the correct answers on

(1) The event
(2) The title
(3) The partner

will receive the standard prize of a copy of Toby Tanser's Train Hard, Win Easy: The Kenyan Way.  This quiz is rated as beyond any category in terms of difficulty, although that information is known to be published somewhere on the World Wide Web.  All insiders and their surrogates are prohibited from entering.

The correct answers were:

(1) The 10th Worldwide Readership Symposium, Venice, Italy
(2) The paper delivered was The Anatomy of Data Fusion (Adobe Acrobat Reader pdf format), which you can read at the risk of incurring severe head injury.
(3) The co-author was Michelle de Montigny, who is often seen running in Central Park and flashing dark, angry looks at the group of orange-clad runners who hog up the whole roadway!

There was no winner.  But here are some of the entries:

From John Prather: 

You are in Italy to eat Italian food and to run the Venice Marathon.  Your partner will be Karel What's His Name.

(After receiving a further hint three hours before the deadline, he responded immediately)  For crying out loud.  I'm watching my Diamondbacks beat up on your Yankees!  I don't have time for any stinking quizzes now!

(After reading the published answers, he wrote back) That would have been my next guess.

From Michael Rosenthal:

1) You went for the Biennale.
2) You went for the Venice Marathon (note: October 27th) but Priceline didn't give you your first choice of return dates.
3) You've solved the problem of the city sinking and went to present your research to the Italian government.
4) It's nice this time of year.

And then there was a non-entry from John Scherrer:

I just now spotted the latest installment of the quiz.  Can you give me an extension so I might come up with something suitable? Can't imagine you've been barraged with entries!

WHO:  Caryn Cherlin
WHEN:  September 24th, 2001
WHERE:  Water's Edge, 44th Dr, Long Island City, NY
WHAT SHE WROTE: 

Food Foraging Party:  Lauren Eckhart, Audrey Kingsley, Bill Haskins

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  September 29, 2001
WHERE:  Terramare, 22 East 65th Street, New York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  "Fifth Avenue is one of the most prestigious streets in the world.  Prestige is of course equated with pricey.  Therefore, each year, when we go to the Fifth Avenue Mile, getting food and refreshments is always a major issue.  For this year, we had one group stationed at 800m and another group stationed at 1200m.  For this second group, the closest shop is Terramare on East 65th Street and Madison Avenue.

• "I gave you five dollars to buy me a cup of coffee, and all I get back is one dollar in change?"  Answer: "Yes."

• " I got a piece of brio bread.  I handed a dollar to the cashier, but he shook his head.  The actual cost came to $2.71.  If I hadn't taken a bite, I would have handed the bread back to him."

• "I think they put regular milk in my coffee when I told them I wanted skim milk."

• "If you want another coffee, you're gonna have to get a bank loan."

• "If they make this the Third Avenue Mile, then lunch would have been affordable.  Now if they make this the First Avenue Mile, then lunch would have been sumptuous."

• "When I publicize this place on the Food Critics' page, they'll be out of business within a week."

WHO:  Noah Perlis
WHEN: September 14, 2001
WHAT HE WROTE: "One of my closest friends made it out miraculously from the 71st Floor in the first World Trade Center tower which was hit.  She was a block away recovering on the street when the first tower collapsed around her and showered her with debris resulting in only many cuts and abrasions on her back (her picture was on page 2 of the Daily News on Wednesday). We celebrated her survival and minimal injury with dinner last night at her home.  Meanwhile, I want to share an easy and patriotic way I discovered this week for anyone to get free food and drink.

I went to the Red Cross building this past Thursday morning to donate blood for the first time in my life (long needles and blood have historically been near the bottom of my list of favorite objects, right above reptiles, vermin, and any sprinter of my age faster than me - just kidding on the last item).  I discovered that they very graciously offer (even encourage) many choices of an unlimited amount of fine "gourmet" quality snacks and drinks, all for free!  One can make almost a complete junk-food addict's dream meal both before and also after the blood donation from the wide assortment on hand.  Cookies, muffins, Lorna Doone's, donuts of different styles and variety (sorry, no Krispy Kreme), Cheez-its, variety of flavored chips, bottled water, Gatorade, sodas, orange juice (no coffee!), and all of it appeared fresh or newly packaged.

I got there at 8 am which was posted as the starting time, but I was already 43rd in place.  Due to the initial shortage of trained personnel because of the transit delays, I got out 4 hours later, but the actual process of the donation lasts only about 15 minutes (one of the few times in recent memory I did not use a stopwatch for a pre-determined interval). The lucky ones who went the day before when there were about 500 persons had as much as 7 hours to indulge in this cornucopia of goodies.  One of them was Frank Handelman who discovered the offerings and apparently was so impressed he came back the next day as a volunteer to hand out the snacks and keep donors company while they recovered (and admonish at least one of them to sit a while longer before leaving).  I don't know if Frank had time to share the same secret discovery with others, and I did not want to put him on the spot by suggesting he acted selfishly in returning the next day to volunteer and be in the middle of the food distribution, but I was happy to see him even though he turned down my request for a PowerBar or freshly baked hot croissant as 'not available.'

The location was set-up in Martin Luther King High School next door to the Red Cross Headquarters on Amsterdam Ave at 66th Street, so parking may be a concern (there are meters in the area).  There was an almost unlimited choice of seating in the auditorium and no maitre d' to tip, but I do suggest a cushion by brought along for those with less than minimum natural padding. The auditorium is below ground so cellular phones don't get a signal, but that really was a trivial hindrance since you can step up to the street anytime to make a call.  Of course this past week it did not matter much since all the cellular lines were at over capacity anyway.

The day I was there they were limiting donations to 200 persons because they reached their limit of storage capacity, so don't think about running down there to take advantage of their offer.  Instead, you can make an appointment by phone and probably spend considerably less time overall, so plan accordingly.  One limitation is that they only take blood no less than every 56 days, but then again, how much of a good thing should a person be entitled to?

I found the donation itself very painless and inspiring when you think of the people being helped and the ongoing need which will continue. All the personnel, both professionals and volunteers, as well as all the other donors, were in extremely positive frames of mind - everyone is there because they want to be and are doing something very worthwhile in helping others.

I would highly recommend everyone to consider going, even those who may consider themselves squeamish - it is time to overcome the misplaced fear. I give the experience 10 out of 10 NY Apples as a rating, and plan on going back again when allowed.  If anyone wants to go for the first time and needs company for moral support, feel free to contact me.  

Did I mention the free food and drink?"

WHO: Roland Soong
WHEN:  September 9, 2001
WHERE: The Saloon, 1920 Broadway (at 64th Street), New York City, NY
WHAT HE WROTE: "Our Social Director James Siegel designated this establishment as the restaurant for brunch at 11am after the Broadway On Broadway 5K.  He explained, 'I've scouted the restaurants in this area, and this seems to be only one which can accommodate our large party.'  That may be true, but when we showed up promptly at 11am, they were not ready to receive any customers yet.  That was just fine with us, since the weather was nice and there were habitual late arrivers (Adam Newman showed up at 1240pm!) such as those who need to run 10 miles to cool down (such as James Siegel, Stuart Calderwood and Bill Haskins).  Eventually, we got in at 1123am with a party of fifteen people (including the two kids Sammy and Joey Ruben).

It would have been natural for the same James Siegel to pen this review of the establishment of his choice, instead of leaving it to someone else who could only pan the establishment.  But James said, 'Look, I have seven lesson plans to prepare when I get home.'  So, once more, it was my job to report the truth (and nothing but the truth) as I saw it.

The brunch began with a low note when the staff notified us, 'We have a problem with the grill today.  That means no steak, sausages, or hamburgers.  But we are still able to cook eggs and potato hash.'  Had they been alerted to the fact the Central Park Track Club food critics were in the house, and therefore seeking to minimize the damage?

Given the limited options, the orders at this end of the table were either eggs benedict or salmon hash.  James Siegel said to me, 'Well, you finished your eggs benedict, so it can't be that bad, huh?'  But then it is also not easy to screw this dish up, huh?  Besides, an order of eggs benedict costs $14.95 here, so I had better get my money's worth with every morsel.  After all, I could have gotten a dozen eggs for $1.99 and six Thomas' muffins for $0.99 ...  

One latecomer was Bola Awofeso, who came, glanced at the menu and just said, 'I don't want to think.  I'll have whatever Jerome O'Shaughnessy is having.'  When the salmon hash came, Bola winced and said, 'I'd rather have this other crap that Roland Soong is having.'  After Bola finished, Jerome could not help but observed, 'You mopped up the whole plate, so it must be good, huh?'  Bola answered, 'I'm from Africa!  There, we eat everything whether we like it or not!'  This left Jerome quite disappointed: "Bola, I guess you won't be going out to dinner with me.'

And if you can believe it, there were even some who decided to go back to the park and do some more running after brunch ... "

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  August 30, 2001
WHERE:  Vega House, 66 West 45th Street, New York City, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:   "On this day, our party of six arrived for lunch at this typically crowded midtown Chinese restaurant.  When we walked in, the host assured us, "One minute!"  At that point, I started my stopwatch.  I noted that 31 seconds later, he came back and said, "One minute!"  When he came back to fetch us, I stopped the watch and read 2 minutes 37.20 seconds.

Professionally, I am a statistician.  According to the title of a popular book, my job is to provide Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics.  The reason why people think that I deal in lies and damn lies is that statistics have to be interpreted, and I seemed to have an explanation for any number.  So what about the number 2:37.20?  Here are some random comments around the table:

• "I expected to be lied to.  Did you really think that we were going to be seated in one minute?  Just be glad it was not 30 minutes."

• "That is an additional 1 minute 37.20 seconds of your life that was wasted on doing nothing, and you will never ever get it back!"

• "You don't think it is a lot?  2:37.20 is more than 2-1/2 times 1 minute.  If your landlord tells you that he is going to raise your rent by 150%, you would think that it is a lot."

• "What is wrong with you?  Why do you have to compulsively time everything?"  (Comment:  That useless comment took seven seconds which the speaker will never ever get back)

Enough about statistics.  What about the food?  Usually, I opt for the least dangerous path with some noodle soup.  On this day, I decided to try the Sizzling Dumplings with Noodles.  Although I am Chinese, I have never ever tried this distinctly non-Chinese dish that appears in some Chinese restaurant.  Well, I'll have to say that the reality was even drabbier than the advertisement, for that sizzling hot iron plate added absolutely nothing to the dried-out dumplings, the overcooked noodles and the straight-out-of-the-bottle oyster sauce.

P.S.  Any connection between my particular order today and the following review of the George Foreman grill is pure speculation." 

PREAMBLE
WHO:  Roland Soong
WHAT HE WROTE:  "Lawyers know to (1) never ask a question whose answer you don't know and (2) never ask a question whose answer you won't like.  I did both on a dare, when I should've been chillin' and mindin' my own business."

WHO: Caryn Cherlin
DATE:  August 20, 2001
WHAT SHE WROTE: "Everyone go out and buy the George Foreman Grill.  Yuuuuuummmmy - I cooked me up a big juicy steak the other night and it was ready to eat in 5 minutes - no mess, no smoke, no hot oven on a hot summer day!  Add your sweet potato and some spinach and you have yourself some tasty, nutritious vittles!  RUN - don't walk - to buy your OWN George Foreman Grill."

WHO:  Eve Bois
DATE: August 24, 2001
WHAT SHE WROTE: "Yeah! I second the food reviewer who recommended the Foreman Grill. We were lucky to receive one as a wedding gift from some very kind and generous CPTC members, and we haven't unplugged it since! Not to mention that I, of course, will highly recommend a product endorsed by a former pro-boxer like Foreman! (Note: I add "like Foreman" because I cannot see myself purchasing a product endorsed by, say, Tyson, or even de la Hoya (who needs an honest fight before he can endorse anything!))."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  July 24th, 2001
WHERE:  Jewel of India, 15 West 44th Street (between Fifth and Sixth Avenues), New York City
WHAT HE WROTE:  "This is the second time that I have discussed the buffet lunch at this restaurant.  On both occasions, the offering included goat meat.  On the first occasion, I found the curried goat interesting because I have rarely seen it served anywhere.  On this occasion, the goat masala was NASTY.  Now I finally see why some people would become vegetarians.  Excuse me, but I am going to have to cut this review short as I have to go to the bathroom and retch ...aaaarrrrgggghhhh ..."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  July 16th, 2001
WHERE:  Bread From Beirut, 24 West 45th Street, New York City
WHAT HE WROTE:  "This neighborhood's lights were dimmed a little bit from the fiery demise of Mom's Bagels and City Noodle, an event which may or may not be correlated with the unfavorable reviews published on this website.  Subsequently, Little Jerusalem also shuttered its windows.  Not to fear, because Beirut has arrived in Little Brazil.  Or has it ... ?

On opening day, we went there to pick up some lunch.  This was a rather peculiar layout under a peculiar set of circumstances.  The passageway was extremely narrow, and there was no obvious system by which you can order something.  There were about a dozen people behind the counter, although no one seemed to pay any attention to the customers.  The owner was pacing back and forth, begging for forgiveness because there were only two Arab cooks, no Mexicans and a whole crew of minimum wage high schoolers who had no idea whatsoever about what is on the menu (You want what?  Lahme Meshwi?  Baba Ghanouj?  Loubieh Bill Zait?  Fatteh Bilabn? ... what are you talking about!?).

Okay, rather than sort through the menu, I asked for something that ought to be easy --- grilled kebab, more properly known as Lahme Meshwi (marinated cubed lamb chops with green peppers & onion).  That set me back $6.50 for something that is about the size of a spring roll.  That was perhaps not a good choice, since the guy operating the pushcart at the corner of West 45th and Fifth Avenue (southwest corner) charges just $3.00 for larger portions of what tastes much the same.  My companion ordered ground beef sandwich, more properly known as Kafta (ground beef with parsley & onion), and complained afterwards that he was still hungry (but not so much that he had to visit MacDonald's).

Is the food really overpriced?  Well, let's see --- for breakfast, they have what appears to be typical American food.  That would be $2.00 for a plain croissant, $2.25 for an almond croissant, $2.00 for a blueberry muffin and $2.95 for medium-size fresh squeezed orange juice.  (Note for Stacy Creamer, caffe latte is $2.50 for medium-size, $2.95 for large-size).  The only thing for free is the croutons if you order a salad.  The prices leave me somewhat disoriented?  Is this Beirut, New York City or Tokyo?

Are the portions really small?  We understood that two of our female officemates went there afterwards.  They ordered what they thought were full meals, and when they saw the size of the 'sandwiches', they walked out without paying.  Of course, this will be an episode that we will be reminding them for the rest of their lives ...

P.S.  The menu lists a website (www.breadfrombeirut.com).  How contemporary, huh?  Unfortunately, like everything else there, it is not working at this moment ..."

FOLLOW-UP ITEM:  Our description of the staff as "two Arabs, no Mexicans and a whole crew of minimum wage high schoolers" was to change in less than one week because we saw an all-Spanish, no-English help-wanted ad posted outside the door ("SE BUSCA JOVENES TRABAJADORES.  SE REQUIRE EXPERIENCIA E INGLES").  Yes, they have finally figured just what makes this economy tick ...

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  June 25th to June 27th, 2001
WHERE:  Pleasantdale Château, West Orange, New Jersey
WHAT HE WROTE: "The occasion was a three-day management meeting.  So as not to be distracted by daily going-ons, this was located into the middle of nowhere.  Where is nowhere?  The Pleasantdale Château in West Orange, New Jersey.  The website advertises: 'Pleasantdale Château is so serene that even Thoreau would have been inspired here.'  Well, well, well.  That might be a bit exaggerated, since Thoreau probably had natural landscape in mind, not a hybrid artificial landscape.  The building architecture here is a bit confusing, since the constructions occurred over a twenty year period without any consistent philosophy.  The dominant style is said to be French Norman, although the main entrance floor is adorned with tiles from a 15th century palace in Seville, Spain.  Go figure.

Our rooms were located in a bungalow back behind the main building, very much in the style of Adolf Hitler's residence in the final days of the Third Reich.  Our rooms were dark and gloomy, and we would not have heard a thing if the Russians were shelling the place.  However, we could hear clearly what the person in the next room was up to (Who's flushing at 2am!?).

Atmospherically, the place reminds us of the set for a horror show.  We told each other not to say "I'll be back" because whoever says that is always the next one killed.  At any moment, we expected Lurch to make an appearance and say, "You rang?"

But we are here to talk about food, aren't we?  Okay, we had three buffet breakfasts there.  Nothing much can be said about the boxed cereals, milk, fruits, orange juices, coffee, etc.  There were two hot dishes each day: day #1, bacon and french toasts; day #2, sausages and waffles; day #3, eggs and potatoes.  I would have preferred some rationality in the pairing.  Eggs and potatoes?  How does that work?

For the three days, we had three lunches in the Music Room.  Why is it called the Music Room?  Because music was piped in, and it was always J.S. Bach.  The effect was disconcerting, to say the least.  I'm only here to eat a meal as quickly as possible, and a chorus comes in with Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring!  Right music, wrong timing.

Day #1, it was a buffet lunch.  Two main dishes, beef and fish.  The beef was thereafter referred to in the remaining proceedings as 'shoe leather.'  (I shouldn't have to tell you who coined that term)  The other offerings were not a harmonious mix --- how do you eat cold pasta with warm shoe leather?  Day #2, it was a properly served lunch with some kind of fish.  This one actually worked.  Day #3, another properly served lunch with cornish hen.  It was getting better!  This was the best cornish hen that I had ever had, although the total number can be counted with less than 5 fingers.

As it turned out, we only had one dinner at the château (the other two nights are reviewed below).  On that first night, we actually had a choice between different entrees.  My choice was rack of lamb.  This was a rather peculiar presentation, coming in the form of a gray-colored, spice-covered Indian tepee.  Yikes!  Back to my room with the M&M's ...

By the way, dear reader, are you eating right now?  If so, you cannot do without the accompaniment of J.S. Bach's Goldberg Variations."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN: June 26th, 2001
WHERE:  The Terrace Restaurant, Short Hills Hilton, New Jersey
WHAT HE WROTE:  "What drove us here on this evening?  We were supposed to be safely ensconced in the Pleasantdale Château for three days straight.  Unfortunately, the château management informed us that the New Jersey State Gynecologists Association has booked its annual ball on Tuesday, which forced us to go outside for dinner.  Where can you go in the middle of nowhere?  The management suggested that the nearest available decent restaurant would be at the Short Hills Hilton.

What is a Hilton hotel doing in the middle of New Jersey anyway?  First of all, it is actually a spa.  Second, it is across the street from The Mall, a collection of highly visible, big-name stores.  Finally, it is supposed to be located near the offices of several large corporations (AT&T, Lucent, etc).

This being the second day of the food fest, I did not order an appetizer for myself.  Someone else ordered the Onion Soup, despite the warning from the waitress that this is not French Onion Soup; indeed, it should have been called Italian Onion Soup because it came with pasta!  Two persons ordered Dim Sum, and promptly had a raucous debate over whether they came with 'soy sauce' + 'duck sauce' or 'scallioned soy' + 'orange marmalade'.  Another person ordered breaded calamari, which incredibly was 'soggy' --- I couldn't make them soggy even if I tried!

My entree was Grilled Angus Steak, medium-rare.  It was undistinguished.  The best analogy is to say this was like running a race in which you are not in particularly good shape, that you feel obliged to do and that you know you wouldn't have to score unless the earth opens up and swallow up the twenty-two teammates in front of you.  In other words, it was like going through the motions. 

A completely different question was: Who drove us here on this evening?  Actually, this was a more serious problem for all of us throughout the entire process.  Our party went out to New Jersey in four groups, and each trip was an adventure.  My group of six went in a Ford Navigator, which is comfortable for one adult and five children, but not for six adults.  The other groups were basically involved in different degrees of getting lost in New Jersey, having to resort to asking the all-knowledgeable gas station attendants.

On this night, what nailed us was the question: Who was going to drive us out of there?  At 945pm, the restaurant manager came and asked us, 'Would you like to use the hotel shuttle bus to get back? Yes?  Okay.  When will you be ready?  In an hour?  Okay."  At 1045pm, the same restaurant manager came to inform us, 'Our hotel shuttle bus service stops at 1030pm.  You will therefore not be able to use it.  If you have a problem with this, you should talk to the concierge.  I have absolutely nothing to do with this.'  How was that for customer focus?  The concierge was summoned and she offered this Hobson's choice, 'You are a party of six.  Your first option is for me to get you one taxi, which will take three of you back, come back and fetch the rest of you.  Your second option is for me to get you a van to take all of you back, but it will take 30 minutes for the van to get here.  Take your pick.'  Worker solidarity obviously dictated the choice of the van.  And we didn't even get additional wine while we waited because they were too busy vacuum-cleaning and turning the lights out."

POSTSCRIPT:  July 3rd, 2001 workout
John Scherrer:  "I am so glad that you wrote that review.  I was thinking about going out to the Short Hills Hilton to eat, but now I won't."
Roland Soong: "Why in the world would you go and eat at the Short Hills Hilton?"
John Scherrer:  "Exactly.  Your food reviews are of absolutely no help because they are about places I would never go to.  By the way, I was thinking about reviewing a restaurant in another city, but then I realized that you would guess that I ran a race there and you would look the result up and publish it ..."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  June 27th, 2001
WHERE:  Mesa Grill, 102 Fifth Avenue (between 15th & 16th), New York, NY
WHAT HE WROTE: "Corporate party for thirty-five people.  Grim tidings indeed, considering what had happened in the preceding three days (namely, non-stop eating).  To simplify matters, the guests were not given the full menu, but were handed a shorter Prix Fixe menu --- an appetizer from a list of six, an entree from a list of six and everybody gets the dessert sampler.  

Now this was the hottest day of the year so far in New York City.  Guess what?  The air conditioning was not working in this place!  We could observe a super-size fan working on the ceiling, but its turnover was slower than slow-motion.  I will also comment that our party of thirty-five were quite cramped in this place.

Mesa Grill is of course branded by the name of Bobby Flay, who challenged the Iron Chef and lost.   The culinary style here is said to be Southwestern.

On account of the unrestrained indulgence in the preceding days, I was just looking for anything that didn't look too filling.  First, I had to choose an appetizer.  Spill tuna tartare on a crisp hominy cake with avocado-red onion relish and mesa hot sauce?  That would have killed me.  Haricot vert, leek, and baby artichoke salad with goat cheese and beet chipote vinaigrette?  Ditto.  By ranking the offerings according to the potential damage, I picked the lowest-ranked item: blue corn pancake filled with barbecued duck and habeñero chile sauce.  Pancakes?  Am I committing ritual suicide?  Well, we are not talking about the manhole-size pancakes that Eve Kaplan encountered in New Orleans.  No, this came as a tiny tamale-like pancake with saucy duck.  Yes, it was the small portion that I appreciated most and, as long as I wasn't personally paying for the $13 list price, the rest of it was fine too.

Now for the entree.  Spice crusted black angus sirloin with house-made mesa steak sauce and a double-baked potato with horseradish, green onions and crème friache?  Well, bad things shouldn't be allowed to happen twice in a row (note: that was what I had the previous evening).  Ancho rubbed chicken with asparagus, corn, red peppers and sweet garlic sauce?  I just couldn't help giggling at the 'rubbed chicken' because I have been ranting against 'rubber chickens' on these pages for so long.  By process of elimination, I ended up with blue corn crusted snapper with crawfish risotto and coconut green chile sauce.  Dear reader, you will be shocked to see me report that it was not bad at all.  In fact, it may even be worth the $28 listed price.

Overall, this place is noisy, crowded and expensive (as appropriate for the good food).  Of course, this may just be your scene.  I would advise you not to go on a hot day, though."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  June 24th, 2001
PLACE:  Big Wong Restaurant, 67 Mott Street, Chinatown, NYC
WHAT HE WROTE:  "I can't get around without saying that this place is a dive.  To call a dive by any other name is not going to change the fact that it is a dive.  The technical definition of a 'dive' includes two qualities: 'cheap' and 'disreputable.'  This place is definitely cheap.  There is no other way because they offer the same things as other restaurants in the area at the same price levels.

Here is a summary of the major offerings:

• Rice congees are rice soups that are served for breakfast or brunch.  This comes in the plain form, or else with standard add-ons such as fish filets, or minced meat/preserved egg, or pork/squid.  Again, the saving grace is that you can hardly see the add-ons which relieves a great deal of anxiety.  Congees are usually eaten with greasy fried 'breads'.  In this case, cheap means a couple of dollars.
• Noodles come in plain form, or else you can add wontons and meats (such as BBQ roast pork, roast duck, roast chicken, beef shin or beef tripe).  The full treatment (noodles + wontons + roast duck) is still less than 5 dollars.
• For a quick lunch, you can order a rice dish with a combination of BBQ roast pork, roast duck or chicken.  These meats are displayed prominently in the windows so you can inspect them from the street.  Rice dishes are about four dollars.
• For a more elaborate meal, you can order from the menu for the full dishes such as steamed whole fish, lobster Cantonese style, etc.  Unfortunately, the cooking is done in the kitchen so you can't tell what they are actually doing behind those swinging doors.  Since their specialty is the upfront stuff, this is actually not the right restaurant for the items on the full menu.  The prices on the full menu are not necessarily cheap either.

Now, what about the 'disreputable' portion of this dive?  Well, the place looks non-descript, filthy and broken down.  The staff is too preoccupied with themselves about their last mahjong game or their OTB bets.  Or else they lean over your shoulder and check out your reading material.  They closed the place down for four days in a row during the Chinese New Year just so they can gamble at the back of the restaurant.  And here is the clincher ... the last time I went, the young girl at the next table started to scream because she saw a large cockroach and their party had to leave without eating because the girl was too upset.  Still, if (1) you are in a hurry; (2) you are frugal; (3) you know how to order defensively; (4) you look carefully before you put anything in your mouth, then this place is a fair bet."

WHO:  Kim Mannen
WHEN: June 21st, 2001
WHAT SHE WROTE: "Working for Saveur Magazine and eating about all the time, one would think I would have put my two cents in by now, but I guess I am too busy eating, drinking and running to write, so here goes...

1.  I had the pleasure of a client lunch at Sushisey (51st Street between Park and Madison).  When we arrived for our 115pm reservation, it was not Feng shey as one would think.  There were patrons shouting at the hostess, telling her she was rude and they were never coming back. One woman bumped into me (it must have been my elbows) and told ME to watch where I was going and then proceeded to race out the door and start chatting on her cell phone, arms flapping in the air.   I digress ... we were led to a back room with a screen and we settled in to our oasis and ordered iced green teas all around.  We were quickly handed warm , lemon scented towels to wipe our hands and faces.  

We all began with the seaweed salad. Let me say, this salad tasted like the sea, with a heavy salt residue. There were among the ingredients- elephant ear mushrooms and a red-colored beet-like thing with a mushroom consistency. The sauce was a pickled-vinegar which made the lips pucker.  I opted for the Miso soup as my palate cleanser.  I then ordered my selection: Cut rolls:Mackerel with scallion, Tuna with asparagus and ginger (I made that one up), Pieces- eel, and egg omelet.  The fish was very fresh as the scent of fresh fish met you at the door.  I am not one to water down the taste of sushi with soy sauce but prefer to be pure and dab wasabi on the tops of my pieces and cleanse each bite with ginger.  I was too full for dessert as I also had a dinner to go to that evening.  We were told by our waitperson that the sushi bar closeds at 2pm ( it only opened at 12 noon).  Maybe that's what all the hostility was encircling you as you entered the restaurant?  My suggestion is go for dinner, maybe its more relaxed, but the food is very fresh nonetheless.

2.  My third and final meal of the day (breakfast at home, and sushi for lunch) was at the Sugar Bar ( 72nd bt Broadway and West End).  This place is cool.. I went with a girlfriend who brought her baby ( a yellow lab named Henry) along and we opted to sit outside. The drink menu looked enticing with lots of Caribbean drinks.  I ordered this Rum thing with Kahlua, Ginger Beer, and Mount Gay run.  It took me back to my high school days of Rum and Coke-- too sweet for me. I am so the red wine drinker now. There was zydeco music coming from inside and it lured me in. ( I also had to go to the bathroom).  The bathroom was really cool (P.S. we should also do bathroom reviews --- port-o-potties do not count).  The bathroom had a black porcelain toilet and there were African masks on the wall. The walls were bamboo and I felt like I was on Gilligan's Island ( maybe it was the drink's effect on me).  Back to the food, we shared a mixed mushroom salad on red and green leaf lettuces that was doused in way too much balsamic and thus was soggy. The cornbread was delightful and filled with juicy kernels of corn.  I chose the blackened catfish (being the Southern girl that I am) with accompanying collard greens and sweet potatoes.  The fish was so-so, not as spicy as I would have liked, the collards were excellent with bits of onion and red pepper and the sweet potatoes were yummy with just enough brown sugar on them.  Henry was very well behaved and liked by all and we walked down the street to walk off our meal and then I was on my way back home to the UES (Upper East side)

3.  My all-time and usual place to eat lunch is the Vanderbilt YMCA (47th between 2nd and 3rd).  After working out at the gym, I dine at the International Cafe. Everyone is very friendly there. It's one of the few places in midtown you can eat for $5.00. If I do not opt for a protein shake ( with blueberries/ bananas) I sometimes get a chocolate or vanilla yogurt shake with a banana for $3.00.  Otherwise I hit the salad bar and choose from healthy tuns ( made with rice wine vinegar, not nasty mayo) with bits of scallion and tomato, bowtie pasta with sun-dried tomatos, and egg salad (no mayo!).  There is always a selection of bean salads, red kidney, green bean and bell pepper with onion and cilantro.  I have never gotten a salad that was over $5.00.  They also have homemade soups ($2.50) and pizza, grilled cheese, hot entrees and a bakery with cookies and cakes. They are open for breakfast (the best deal) with homemade blueberry pancakes for $2.50.  The gym has 2 Olympic-size pools and a roof deck on the 5th floor where you can order food from the Cafe and have it delivered to you as you sunbathe or read magazines.  I am headed to the gym now, so I'll let you know if it's protein shake today or tuna and eggs. This places rocks!"

WHO:  Andy Brown
TO WHOM: Roland Soong
WHEN:  June 15th, 2001
WHAT HE SAID: "I'll be in Hong Kong early next week for three days ... do you have any suggestions as to where I may eat out?  (silence)  Oh, I forgot ... your list contains only places that I shouldn't go to ..."

WHO:  Roland Soong
WHEN:  June 12th, 2001
PLACE:  Maggiano's Little Italy, 516 North Clark Street, Chicago, IL
WHAT HE WROTE: "This is a little bit unusual since I traveled all the way from New York just to do lunch in Chicago.  For this 45 minute meal, I had to leave at 6am and I made it home after 10pm.  Life is too short for this type of thing, and travel is definitely not as romantic and exotic as it sounds.  It did not help when everything went wrong on the trip.  Going out, my plane was held on the ground for two hours because there was a thunderstorm in Chicago.  That meant I was late for that lunch.  Coming back, my plane was held on the ground for three hours because there was a thunderstorm (yes, it was the same one!) in the New York City-Philadelphia area.

This group lunch was a monthly affair that had been going on for years.  After having been worn out by the constant serving of rubber chickens, they finally switched this year to an Italian-style buffet.  Nevertheless, they said that there was sufficient leeway in the menu such that they don't get the same thing every month.  For example, on this occasion, the only red tomato sauce came with the fried calamari.  The offering also included two salads, pasta shells, roast chicken and swordfish.  Maggiano's has a website, which contains a Critique page.  This is one review that will never be quoted there.

Of course, if I can be permitted to misquote Albert Einstein, everything is relative.  Just the previous week, I did another catered group lunch on familiar territory --- the Sheraton New York.  It took all of five minutes to get there.  But in this case, the food was the proverbial rubber chicken.  Actually, this chicken was not rubbery as usual and I was able to eat about half the serving.  I was less successful with the boiled cauliflower and carrots.  The appetizer was a salad with two (and exactly two) shrimps --- I took care of the two shrimps and left the greens alone.  The dessert was a layered chocolate cake.  In summary, on the whole, I'd rather stay home, eat a spam sandwich and catch some sleep ..."

WHAT John Scherrer WROTE: "If you're still in Chicago, check out The Original Gino's East--better than any NYC pizza. It used to be by the NWU hospital but it moved. It's now by Ed Debevic's. Of course, now you'll probably go and trash the place just to spite me."

WHO: Stuart Calderwood
PLACE: Healthy Bagel, 2nd Avenue between 71st and 72nd Streets, in Manhattan, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:  "This pleasant bagelry/coffee shop would be interesting to visit even if its bagels tasted like sawdust, because of the astounding self-aggrandizing efforts of its owner, Reza Zand (probably no relation).   A slightly-built man of fifty-odd years with fluffy gray hair, Mr. Zand is admirably photogenic, and he may have more proof of that quality than anyone else in New York.  

The walls of Healthy Bagel, which is a mid-sized store--perhaps half again the size of the West Side's H&H Bagels, for example--are almost completely covered, from table height to ceiling, with glossy, identically framed, meticulously arranged 8" x 12" photographs of Mr. Zand standing with--often hugging shoulders with--nearly every living political, athletic, or entertainment-world celebrity that has ever visited New York They all look perfectly pleased to be photographed with Mr. Zand, too. (There is a noteworthy absence of distance runners. Not even German Silva, Tegla Loroupe, Toby Tanser, or Stacy Creamer has made the cut. I pointed out this omission to Mr. Zand, who nodded his head vigorously. He speaks very little English; my hopes are not high.)

There's the current mayor, and his two recent predecessors. Five heavyweight boxing champions or ex-champions. Every A-list actor in the land, and many from other lands. The Round of Sixteen from the most recent U.S. Open tennis tournament. At least three runways' worth of supermodels.  Every New York Knick, and Spike Lee, too. And with each of them, the wide-eyed, eminently pleased, and certainly not starstruck Mr. Zand, holding his own in the high-wattage-smile department no matter with whom he shares the frame.

When you realize that the man in all the pictures is behind the counter selling bagels, you find yourself shocked.  Why would a celebrity be doing that?  

The bagels don't taste like sawdust. Far from it: after seventeen years of research, I now believe that the best bagel in New York is Healthy Bagel's sourdough-raisin model.  The sourdough taste is a mild tang, balanced exquisitely by the raisins' sweetness.  The dough seems to have been twisted as well as looped, and the bagels "unwind" when pulled apart; they're soft inside and just slightly crisp outside. "Unique" must be the most over- and ill-used word in the language of appraisals; nevertheless, this is a unique and absolutely delicious bagel.   

I ate Healthy Bagel sourdough-raisin bagels for sixteen months while living at 71st and 2nd; forsaking my usual cyclic pattern, I never switched over to another flavor, although there are other interesting and unusual flavors at Healthy Bagel--rye, herb, challah, no-raisin sourdough, and an only-on-weekends cranberry-walnut special--as well as the usual run of poppy, sesame, whole wheat, cinnamon-raisin, pumpernickle, garlic, onion, salt, and everything (never really everything, of course; no one seems to want raisins with onions).  Since moving to the West Side, I've had to rely on couriers and other agents, and the occasional crosstown trip, to obtain my specialty.  Of course, their comparative rarity now (they sell out fairly early) makes them even more desirable, but I can guarantee the reader that my opinion of them is not a product of the Good-Old-Days syndrome.  

The rest of the food looks and smells like typical, maybe slightly above-average diner fare. I only go for the bagels. Predictably, I rate the the sourdough-raisin variety a 10 out of 10."

Ah, about the food ... before the entrée came, the waitress brought a bottle of vinegar.  Obviously, she is not Irish.  The chips --- big, fat and soggy.  Ughhhhh!  The fish.  Appearance: fried to golden brown.  Eeeeeek!  Taste:  Actually, it was passable after I scraped off the batter.  P.S.  For drinks, it was a bottled Amstel Light.  As always, this was a defensive measure --- this was one thing that they can't screw up!  Or, at least, not yet ..." 

THE GENNARO REVIEW OR: AN INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF

JS1: First, a word about this format. As Rob Zand astutely pointed out, the food review columns could be so much more. Our readers have probably grown tired of the hackneyed review that says, "I ran this race. I ate here afterwards. It was OK." And the bitter shredding of the take-out menu has become so 1980s. It's time to leave behind such platitudes and push towards a new form. Dear Reader, we will try.  So with me is CPTC food critic John Scherrer. John, please tell us about Gennaro.

JS2: Gennaro is an oasis on a rather drab block of Amsterdam.  This was where I made the rare splurge while in college. The first thing you'll notice is the line outside and the wait to get a table. No reservations.  The inside is tiny and cramped but word is that they will be expanding and even adding a bar area. If you don't have the patience to wait, even with the benches provided outside, order your food to go.

JS1: Having grown up just outside of St. Louis and having often frequented "The Hill," the Italian neighborhood of St. Louis, you know good Italian food. There's even a rumor that you went to Italy last year just to eat and drink Chianti all day. So how does the food at Gennaro rate?

JS2: Well, the biggest surprise of my most recent visit was the bread.  It was like crack--so addicting. The crust is usually too hard.

JS2: Give me a break. With the times our master runners are clocking do you expect me to believe they don't know anything about drugs? Those times are just too fast. I'm 25 and I can't keep up with them. They're all on something, especially Alan Ruben. Has the IAAF recognized Sharkaid as a legal substance?

JS1: Readers, please ignore him. He's being facetious. John, can we just talk about the food?

JS2: The tortino di patate e funghi is heavenly. They prepare it with goat cheese and red beets on the side. The flavors are a perfect marriage, a harmony worthy of Lennon and McCartney. Another favorite appetizer of mine is the grilled calamari with Sicilian cous cous and raisins. It's easily the best calamari in the city and only in Venezia have I had anything that approaches it. The only appetizer I wouldn't recommend is the grilled vegetable platter. I thought it was uninspired. They also prepare bruschetta but if the bread della cassa is now consistently good, why do you need more bread?

JS2: Always a tough choice. I love the gnocchi. Not only does it melt in your mouth but it's matched with the perfect sauce. Marcella Hazan would certainly approve. I had the penne pomodoro alla-I-forget-the-name last night and it was above my expectations. It's a bit spicy but not really hot. I'm not a big fan of capers but Gennaro uses them well in this sauce.  The salmon is served with a honey mustard sauce and is quite yummy. The chefs at this place know how to bring out the flavor. The veal chop is not a standard menu item but is usually amongst the specials. It's not as good as the version found at Piccolo Angolo on Hudson, but if you like veal you likely would not be disappointed with ordering it here. And I don't think the sausage or the cornish hen are up to the standards of the other choices.  Oh, and I've never had a good risotto experience here. Preparing risotto is such a science. Stir, stir, stir for 20 plus minutes. What you get is so unpredictable. Didn't Bizet write an opera on the making of an omelette?  I'm surprised no Italian composer ever stepped forward to do likewise for risotto.

JS1: I think the Peter Brook reference you used in "Not Just an Empty Space" was rather ridiculous, but, anyway, what would Peter Brook say about this act of theater?

JS2: Well, there's a lot of ridiculous items on this web site. There are even web sites devoted to the ridiculous. We have links to them! We promote the ridiculous. Gennaro only has three choices for dessert--tiramisu, a flourless chocolate cake and a pear tart. As my fellow diner pointed out last night, there's not much presentation to accompany the dessert offerings. Throw it on a plate and serve it up. That said, I think Brook would like Gennaro. If you were fortunate enough to see his production of "Hamlet" at BAM--uhh, can I send a shout out to Kevin Arlyck?

JS2: Mad props to Kevin Arlyck and let me say that I love Brooklyn. It's my second favorite borough. But as I was saying, Brook's "Tragedy of Hamlet" aims to get to the heart of the play. No Fortinbras, no politics, less of an emphasis on the romantic Hamlet. That's what's going on at Gennaro. No formalities, no pretensions, it's all about the food. There's a special providence in the devouring of a meal. The food is all. Let be.

REVIEWER: John Scherrer
WHERE: Waverly Restaurant, Avenue of the Americas and Waverly Street, Manhattan, NY
WHAT HE WROTE:

REVIEWER: John Scherrer
WHERE: Eleven Madison Park, 11 Madison Avenue
WHAT HE WROTE: "I humbly submit this offering and beg you not to edit it.